Manic Monday - Vault Open? Vault Closed?

Every once in a while I have a bit of buyer’s remorse that I went all “hey, it’s me” with this blog because that means I can’t always say what I really, really want to say.  And yeah, I know, I can do whatever I want. It’s a free country.  Blah-di-di-blah-blah-blah.  But as soon as I let loose and let it all hang out…that’s when the buyer’s remorse might kick in. 

Like if I wrote here what I’d say in text rant about my craptastic day and the people who made it that way. What I’d verbally vomit between glasses of wine and asking our lovely waitress “can we get some more chips?”.  What I’d scream at the TV when I watch bad good reality TV or E! or Girls or whatever else I’m obsessing with these days.  What last brought me to tears. (It’s more embarrassing that you’d even think. But shockingly it wasn’t the Lifetime movie Restless Virgins that I DVR’d and then watched in it’s horrid entirety.  That actually made me laugh.  And filled me with a bit of rage that crap like that gets made into a movie and I’m still striving to find an agent for what I think is far better writing in my book.  But I’m obvi totally biased.)  And of course if I said some of the thing that crossed my mind on a daily basis…this might get upgrade to a “not suitable for children” rating. 

But don’t get me wrong.  I’m still a bucket full of honest here.  Swear.  But some days it’s more like the cautious honesty you have with people you work with or people you just don’t want to invite inside the vault.  Not yet at least.  They get the honesty…but they don’t get the full disclosure.  Lest they think you were selfish or immature or insensitive or crazy or that you have bad taste in TV or that you rage too much on the weekend or that you are nightmare in relationships or that you should spend more time (or maybe less time) with your family.  That you whine and bitch and complain and judge and are a pushover or not opinionated enough or have way, way, way too many opinions.

And sure at the ripe old age of now, maybe I shouldn’t care.  And trust me when I say it’s not that I care.  But if we’ve learned anything from celeb Twitter accounts….you can’t always unring the bell.  And you can’t always unsee things. (Ugh. I’m back to that damn Bieber-is-shirtless-in-the-hospital image again. Damn you J.B.  And the cherry on top? You have a freak-out at the paparazzi. You’re giving them what they want.  And I know you have all sorts of weird pressure and you’re still a freaking tween living in a fake reality.  But to paraphrase some random person who I came across while surfing the US Weekly site in a daze this weekend- Bieber is one shaved head and umbrella away from a Britney 2007.  Cautionary tale, J.B.  Trust.  I’m not all kinds of honest here, but this is lots of honest.

Here comes the Libra.  You can’t unring that Bieber bell.  But I’m also a girl who likes to ring her bell.  Do we need balance?  Or are we just uber-complicated chicks?  Both, of course.

So the vault is open.  A bit.  I’m just going to be careful about what I let out.  And maybe change the faces and places to protect the innocent.  (Or rather not-so-innocent because they always make for more interesting stories anyway.)

Unfortunately sometimes I’m a big old sieve.  (Goalie!  Sieve!  Goalie!  Sieve!)  And it’s not always drinking thinking, so I really really have no one to blame but myself.   Like the other day at work when I didn’t even feel a slight twinge of shame when I not only admitted that I know what The Lying Game is, but in an effort to explain how horrible of a show it is I actually revealed that I’ve seen every episode since it premiered…and PS – we’re in Season 3 now….and not even Cordelia being on it can justify this Buffy 4-Eva fan watching it.  But I just can’t stop talking about it.  Even though the people I’m talking to are looking at me with wide eyes and a look that absolutely says they are embarrassed for me.  And then I tell them why I think Ethan is better than Thayer (officially worst teen soap name ever by-the-by).  Sigh.  I know.  Shame. 

But I’m cool with it.  Some people get very little out of me….some people get just enough to know who I am….and the rest….well, sorry you get the whole Kukla Fran and Caboodle.  If you know me at all, this is not a shocker.  If you don’t so much know me then apologies in advance.  Because here’s my Catch-22.

In order to get everything that’s in my head - and blocking all that creativity that I need to pour into my novel writing - I need to write it all down and get it out.   Stat. (Especially since the Writer’s Digest Conference is 3 weeks away and I don’t think I’ll have a new manuscript to pitch. But still going to be worth it.  Inspiration.  Motivation.  The kick in the ass I need.)  So I need to purge all the voices in my head…but not “voices” in a Sybil way….just in a I-have-a-lot-on-my-mind-that’s-kind-of-totally-weighing-me-down way.  And this is one of the places it’s going to happen. 

Apologies again for that about to happen.  But not just yet.  Because it’s Monday night and my brain is fried. And not only am I voluntarily watching 90210 (which no shocker here…is ending after this season.  RIP.   How dare you rival a classic?) I also watched the latest RHOBH.  And oddly Camille and Brandi make a cameo on 90210.  This is turning into a very odd/full circle kind of a night. 

And in something related to nothing, watching them in Paris is making me so So SO excited to go back.  So every time the cray cray from work (and life) starts to bleed into my brain I think about the light at the end of the tunnel. PARIS!  And I think about the wine…and the cheese…and the adventure we’re going to have…and the chocolate…and the scenery….and the great escape….and summertime pictures to balance out my November pictures from my last trip….and hopefully, maybe, if I’m lucky baby gets a brand new bag! 

I’m also so overtired and delusional that I got all choked up when Mauricio was on the bridge with Kyle and locked their lock and threw away the key.  But that’s a lusty crush for another day.  And here’s my other full circle moment….I don’t know why the hell Kyle’s store has the tagline “by Alene Too”.  But since I’m an Alene then I’m guessing it can be Mauricio and Alene TOO? 

In the words of Lisa Vanderpump.  “BOOM!”

And this song is for no other reason than that it's amazing.  And why it's in my head is a story for another day!

Fab Five Friday - Wine & Vanderpumping the Blizzard

Any time there’s some big weather event I feel like meteorologists have their day in the spotlight.  Blizzards are the Super bowls of weather.  It’s Oscar night. It’s a Red Carpet walk over and over for Sam Champion and Bill Evans and Lee Goldberg.  This is their time.

And for days now all I’ve been hearing was about how at 2 a.m. this snow was coming to NYC and the disaster was on.  It’s 8:00 p.m. and there’s finally something sticking out there.  But up until now it’s been a rainy, snowy, annoyingly windy mix of blah!  I realize people are getting is crazy worse that me (good luck peeps!) and I’m not longing for 3 feet of snow or any such nonsense. 

But so far, NYC is a lot of hype.  A few more fire trucks than usual blazing by.  Less people on the street than usual (Win!  Win!). And I’m certainly getting my money’s worth on those new winter boots dammit!  Normal workday.  A crazy busy one at that.  By the time I got to the pizza lunch there was no pizza.  And then I got to go home and braved “the conditions”. 

So here’s the what. 

The most annoying part of the trek home was that a snowy/rainy mix makes for slippery and slushy sidewalks.  Which means I can’t walk down the street at the aggressively, obnoxiously fast pace that I’ve become accustomed to.  A pace that only gets worse when Green Day is blasting through my ears like it was on the 42^nd Street part of my trip.  And taxis and buses spray slushy, dirty mix all over the place when they drive by.

The most impressive part?  Cutting through Grand Central at 5:45 on a Friday without pushing and shoving my way through. I wish people bailed early every cold night.  Because this part of the trip kind of rocked.

And now I’m home for the count. Waiting for to the storm to come and looking for Five Fab things to do to survive a blizzard with the weakest name EVER!  (Who picks the names b-t-w?  A storm warning across multiple states kind of implies this bad boy in not something to be reckoned with.  But Nemo?  Really? I haven’t even seen that movie but I know it’s a cartoon fish.  What’s wrong with Zeus?  Or Bernardo like in West Side Story.  You didn’t want to mess with him.  Or Brutus?  Et to Brute?  I mean *that* works, no?

I need to rule the world.  Until then, I need to survive the blizzard and here’s my recommendation on how to make that happen:

#1 - Drink:

This kind of goes without saying.  Drinking is always a good idea.  (This makes it sound like I have a severe problem. I don’t. I just like to have fun.  Despite a “booze bag” moniker many years ago by a girl who kind of totally hated me.  Ah, frak it.  I like to drink.)

I am admittedly far less wild than I was in my misspent youth…aka my twenties.  Now it’s far more about quality than quantity.  But I still like my drinks and can still close down a bar.  When I want to.  But on a night like this all I wanted to do was come home and relax.

I did a drive-by of Duane Reade on the way home and while I stood on line with my carton of milk the girl on line next to me bought four packs of cigarettes.  In another time and place I could be that girl. But now I’m older and wiser.  And I'm smart enough to already have wine and vodka at home to sink a ship so I don’t need to head out into a blizzard to buy some.  

I’m already happily into the first bottle.  And good God have I needed this drink since about 10 a.m. Monday morning.  Bottoms up!  The only problem.  I also kind of want to take Advil PM for amazing, uninterrupted sleep.  My life is filled with these kind of Sophie's Choice moments.

#2 - Read.  In bed.  In the middle of the day.

When everyone from the meteorologists to the Mayor to my mother are telling me to stay safe and stay inside, I’m all over it.  I don’t carry much guilt about being self-indulgent. I work hard. I deserve it.  End of story.  But when people also tell me to be all indoorsy...well, okay!  Twist my arm.

One of my favorite indulgences is to get back into comfies and back into bed in the middle of the day to read a book.  And what better time to do this than when the weather outside if frightful?  Midday bed reading eventually leads to a nap because I’m human and I love to sleep and why the hell not? Isn’t that what blizzardy days are made for?  Me thinks so.

And right now I’m reading Jen Lancaster’s latest  - "Here I Go Again".  It’s another foray into fiction for her and askig the burning question, “Will karma catch up with that mean girl bitch from high school that made everyone’s life hell?”  Leave it to Jen Lancaster to craft a hysterical book full of snark, endless 80s references (like the Whitesnake song for a title) and a whole bunch of "I-can’t-believe-she-said-thats" and a whole bunch of "I-totally-relate-to-thats". 

I’m only a few chapters in, but hands down recommend it to anyone who is looking for something great to read.  And for anyone who appreciates great humor. 

#3 - Hate Watch Vanderpump Rules:

I wish I could say I was strong enough to resist Bravo’s latest and greatest in the world of reality TV. But I can’t. I am weak.  Powerless to all that Andy Cohen puts in front of me. 

And if you’ve been living under a rock or just have better things going on, then allow me to give you the premise – Lisa Vanderpump of RHOBH fame (British, witty, snarky, wears a lot of pink, always turns a funny phrase, says "bloody" a lot and can be delightfully filter-free) owns two bars/restaurants in Beverly Hills and this show follows the salacious and ridiculous lives of the staff at one of them - SUR.  It’s kind of like The Hills meets Real World meets anything Bravo churns out….on crack.  And it’s just as addictive. 

So here’s my advice…hunker down during the blizzard and OnDemand the hell out of this show.  You might hate how much you love it.  You will for sure hate the names of the characters real life bartenders and wait staff at SUR (Jax, Stassi, Scheana.  And then poor Laura-Leigh…the crying rebound with the Minnie Mouse voice).   There are also two brunettes that I can't tell apart.  But that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

They all want to be actors or singers or writers and some of them model to make money. I’m not sure what catalogues or magazines these people model for but they show some photo shoots that pain me.  One guy calls himself a "mactor" - a model and actor.  I mean are you fraking kidding me????  See?  SOOOOO good.

The guys fight for the love attention of the uber bitch of the group….and fighting in Vanderpump Rules involves ripping off their shirts in a Vegas parking lot in order to throw down.  There’s lying, crying, bitch fighting, bullying, epic drinking, endless f*bombs, horrible song and dance performances (oh...not even kidding) and so much high school nonsense that a girl just can’t turn away!

I have to believe it’s scripted because if it’s not I feel even worse about these people.  Watching this also makes me grateful that I’m not a 23 year old with a fake tan and horrendously cheesy hair and make-up trying to make it in L.A.  Not that I ever would be that girl, because for one, ghost-world-white is kind of my nature.  But trust me on this one….hate watch this while the snow is piling up outside.  You won’t regret it!

#4 - Get It Together:

Pulling together my tax paperwork so I can get me some money back.  Fold my laundry that’s been in a pile since Tuesday.  Clean the bathroom.  Vacuum.  Do yoga.  Empty the dishwasher.  eBay those clothes I keep talking about photographing and posting.  (Sold one shirt out of three last week.  Woohoo!)  Relist the other two shirts.

I’ve already trimmed my bangs and done the Clarisonic/face-moisturizing routine (which I do every night so that’s not so outrageous to do in a blizzard).  I think I’m good for the physical activity tonight.  Don’t want to run out of things to do this weekend.

#5 – Hibernate:

Along the lines of reading in bed during the day, but far less active.  Keep the shades closed.  Doze in-and-out of sleep all day.  Catch up on the DVR.  Try to find a movie on HBO or Showtime that actually interests me.  Marathon Girls.  Shut out the outside world.  Stay in pj’s.  Write.  (Though now I’m getting all active.)  Give in.  Let go.  Eyes closed.  Snooze.

And there you have it.

So when it comes to epic weather, not too much to talk about here in NYC.  This of course ensures that tomorrow will be a wall of white outside my window.  But when I realized there wouldn’t be an early exit from work due to the weather I prayed it would stay low key until I crossed the threshold into my building.  

So now, from the safety of my apartment I can go all balls to the wall - Bring it Nemo!   Show me what you’ve got! Just please don’t take my cable.  Or my power.  Because that would make for a really crappy blizzard weekend!  And that would ruin my wine buzz big time!  It make me feel so fine....

Manic Monday: No Laundry But I'll Always Have Paris

It’s not just Manic Monday here.  It’s more like Manic Weekday.  And I’m really, truly starting to believe that it may not end.  Not anytime soon.  Maybe not ever.  Which I know is crazy.  Everything comes to an end eventually, right?  Or at least they say all good things do.  “They”.  (Who are the ladies?  We are the ladies.)  So if all good things…then all bad things must come to an end. It’s the what goes up must come down.

Luckily I found some calm this weekend.  Much needed.  Long overdue.  Inhale.  Exhale.  TV.  DVR. FreeShowtimeandpaysforitselfHBObecauseGirlsisamazing.  And fun.  A nap.  Read up on the Writers Digest Conference in April.  Have to pull the trigger on that one.  Spent the weekend checking some things off the list.

What I didn’t do is the laundry.  Which is currently taunting me.  Haunting me.  But I don’t have the energy to go downstairs and face the fact that the machines might be taken.  And then I have to roll it all back up.  (Yes.  I have a folding, rolling cart.  People envy it.  I see people bring their laundry down in trash bags.  I mean not for nothing.  Respect your stuff, even when it’s dirty. 

What I really wish is that I didn’t have to roll it downstairs because I magically will have a washer/dryer in my apartment.  It doesn’t sound like the biggest wish list item…or maybe it’s big, but not the most popular…but it’s mine.  I also realize the reality of the situation.  That as long as I continue to live in NYC it will never happen for me.

It will fall into the list of things that will never happen for me.  (Probably.  Most likely.  Never ever.)  Like walking the Red Carpet in Chanel.  Climbing some major mountain.  (Though in all fairness I have no interest in that.)  Being on Oprah’s Next Chapter (which I’m watching only because Drew Barrymore is on it and she’s is by far one of the most amazing ladies out there.  And I would love to hang with her for a day because I feel like she’d be so damn cool.  Though that happening…probably also not going to happen for me.)  And chances are I won’t get to make out with Bradley Cooper.  And b-t-w that’s Bradley Cooper the actor.  Not just some guy named Bradley Cooper.  Which I feel the need to clarify because I met Mariano Rivero today.  But not the-greatest-closer-in-baseball.  The security guard on Park Avenue.  Who I asked if he got great dinner reservations over the phone.  He found zero humor in me. 

 

Moving on….I’m in procrastination mode.  I need to face the 20-page refinance document that’s awaiting me.  Which means a credit check. Which means I should pay my bills first so my secret shopping shame isn’t as blatant.

Manic Monday…beginning of Manic Weekday.  And so it begins…..

Work is hard.  Non-work life is hard.  But sometimes in that good way.  And where the reward for the hard work is in my hands.  Case in point.  Booked the tickets to Paris.  I don’t even have words for how excited I am for this trip.  Had a delicious first trip and have been ready to go back ever since.  And I’m going to obsess about it for months to come.  Consider yourselves warned!

Five Fabs on a Really Tired Friday

Brutal honesty.  I’m tired. 

It’s been a hell of a day.  A hell of a week. A hell of a month.  (January, that is.  I haven’t totally given up on February on the first day.)  I could go as far as a “hell of a few lot of months” but who isn’t tired and busy and somewhat overwhelmed and scatterboxed and feeling like there’s just not enough time in the day. 

Or maybe I’m feeling like this because free Showtime has sucked me into “I Don’t Know How She Does It”.  Which was said to be a pretty good book, but I have to say, not so much of a movie.  Cliché.  Underwhelming.  Kind of lame.  Missed boat.  And I’m suspect of a movie that can’t legit make it to 90 minutes.  And one that has the perfectly, perfect happy ending.  Yawn. I blame Pierce Brosnan.  And Sarah Shahi.  And Busy Phillips.  And Olivia Mumm.  But it could also be that I’m so damn tired….physically…mentally….emotional spent. 

And while I may not have much to give, I haven’t written in a while and that makes me sad because it is one of the few things I truly love, so here goes Fab Five Friday….the things I’m kind of obsessing about….the tired edition:

#1:

This is the best indication of how my life is going.  Spend freeze is still in place.  (Minus those DVF shoes from Ruelala.  But they were 50% off and I had a credit so they were like 70% off.  Does the word “duh” mean anything to anyone?)  But then a giant Gap offer and I always need basic tanks because I pretty much live in them.

Package arrived today. 

And instead of a good old white tank….

I got this….

Quality control has left the building.  Can’t wait to trot this into the store to return.  Or maybe I should just save them for a rainy day.  It’s like my own version of the Cinderella glass slipper.  LOL!

#2:

30 Rock is officially over.  Cannot wait to see what Tina Fey does next, but I’m going to miss this show.  So many funny lines.  It’s the end of an era.  Thank God Psych will be back in a few weeks.

And thanks for this last gem Liz Lemon:

“I was perfectly happy with what I had.   Eating night cheese and transitioning my pajamas into daywear.  You’re the one who told me to want more.”

#3:

Julianna Marguelis at the SAG Awards.  I’m a bit obsessed with her I realize.  The Good Wife is that and more. And I just think she’s looking amazing. 

#4:

The line that made “I Don’t Know Why….” worth it….Olivia Mumm’s – “If you sign an email or text “XO” you may as well sign it ‘I want you to enter me’.”

One of my friends at work said I post inappropriate updates on FB. I have to disagree.  I think I’m pretty mild mannered. Like I would never post this on there.  Though I kind of wanted to.

#5:

Not only was Sunday’s episode of Girls thirty more minutes of spectacular.  (Also beyond obsessed with Lena, as you may have already figured out.)

“You’re a really good dancer.”

“Thanks.  I know.”

And Hannah and Elijah dancing to this before it all went to hell:

End.  Scene.

Five For Friday

It's been a long week.  Having Monday off is great. Yet oddly, in some ways, that seems to make Tuesday - Friday that much worse.  Which kind of takes the fun out of having Monday off.  Not quite a chicken and an egg situation, but just one of those things, that takes up too much space in my mind.

And on top of that, I'm going to be that girl, who chooses to live on the east coast, and who gets all "wah....boo....ugh....wtf....blah.....bleck.....bitch.....moan....bitch" because it's cold and windy and snowy.  In January.

And I have to wear mittens and hats and two scarves and lots of layers and bought new snow boots.  (which btw are so warm and fuzzy)  But the cold!  The bone-chilling, face-hurting, I-said-brrrrrrr!-it's-cold-in-here kind of cold.

I know.  DUH!  That's what happens in January.  It's called winter.  It's been going on for decades.  It's the four seasons.  This is not a fluke of Mother Nature.  This is just how the world turns.  (which, btw, I miss that soap...Craig and Sierra and Holden and Lily rocked!).

But, baby, it's like really, really cold outside.  And the turning of the world has knocked me on my ass this week.  So before I crawl under the covers, here's the five things I can muster, because no matter how busy or tired or cold I am....I'm trying my best to keep on track here.  Writers write.

#1: 

I've been this before and it popped up on my tumblr feed tonight.  Sometimes I feel like the universe is sending me a message and the timing is right.

#2:

The universe also deals me some messages I don't want.  But that's the balance this Libra comes to expect.  And strives for.  I'm in the self-imposed spend freeze just because.  It's like eating well after a stint of eating like crap.  Balance.  But then I found this dress I've been lusting on ebay.  In my size.  And I was so close.  (Or maybe not, because I was only willing to pay so much for an "excellent used condition" dress.)  But my competition was willing to keep going.  And I lost.

That's the universe telling me that Hello!  You are on a spending freeze!  And your friendly universe here is not going to let you break it.  No eBay wins for you!

(grumble....curse....rats....that sucks)

And a few hours later the moment of clarity (or the rationalization).  That dress was not my fate.


#3:

SAG Awards on Sunday.  Red Carpet.  Fashion.  Awards.  Eventual tears over the acceptance speeches I'm sure.  Oh how I love awards season.  Cannot wait to see who they're wearing.  And who wins.  Kind of at a loss for why Lena Dunham isn't at this party, but that's my obsession talking.  Least there's Jon Hamm to look forward to.  (yes, please)

Also fairly certain I need to work that free Showtime and start watching Homeland because  they win everything.  And apparently it's great.  Stay tuned.

#4:

The conversation is underway.  For Paris.  In the summer.  This may trump the Lean obsession for now. I can't wait to go back.  Time to lock in some dates!!!!

#5:

I didn’t actually get to see the Matt Damon takeover of Jimmy Kimmel last night but I’ve seen enough clips to get the sense it was pretty damn funny.  And that of course made me think of this video, which I still think is some total comedy genius. It also doubles as my song.  BAM!