Twofer Tuesday - The 90210 Finale. All Over Again.

Apparently, despite the fact that I feel like I don't have an ounce of free time to do all the thing I want to do...I should be doing...and blah blah blah (you know, things like lying to myself about not having enough time when the truth is I just procrastinate and dawdle away my free time to do things like the epically shameful watching of really crappy teen drama.)

But I do have some time on my hands.  (Here comes the shame.)  The thing is, I try to resist the teenage drama. I swear.  I try not to fall prey to it.  Sometimes I try harder than other times.  And then I don’t try at all.  So prey I fall. And fall and fall and fall.  And fall.

But lucky for all of us, after last night I can pick myself back up again.  Because just like all good things must come to an end, so must all bad things.  And by bad, Duh!, I obviously totally mean *good*.   

I proudly, shamefully give you the Series Finale of 90210.  

Again.

So let's be honest here.  There really was no need to mess with a classic.   Sure it went the way of the preposterous and that's why it ended.  Semi-happily-ever-after (except for Brandon and Brenda which is ironic given how they started it all).  But letting that go, the CW needed a hit, so why not dust off an old favorite?  

So there was a new class….a spinoff class….whatever you want to call them….and after five years they are bidding adieu.  And how has it been 5 years you ask?  Don’t waste the brain energy. I can’t quite figure it out either, but it was.  And I’ve watched too many episodes for my own good, which is part of the reason I couldn't resist the finale. Plus I like me some good old fashioned closure.

If you haven't tuned into this show, I'll give you a little background.  Just like the original, the New 90210 was family friendlish and cheesy with mom and dad from Minnesota (or wherever the do-over family was from) moving to Bev Hills.  Mom was resistant.  The daughter was naive and just wanted to fit in and be liked and date the cool boy.  The son worked at the Peach Pit (oh, the pain!!!!).  

Though in this incarnation grandma was rich.  “Brandon” was adopted.  And African-American.  Points for ethnicity.  And “Brenda”…uh, Annie, was also a wannabe actress and a little bit prissy.  At first.  But then Annie got all bad ass.  She killed a guy in a drunk hit and run after prom.  Geez!  And to think all those years ago critics went berserk at Brenda and Dylan’s prom.  All they did was have sex.  Kind of tame compared to MANSLAUGHTER!!!! 

The new 90210 was definitely more salacious.  Or trying to be.  Even with the return of Brenda.  And Donna.  And Kelly…who had Dylan’s kid.  But we never see Dylan.  And poor Jackie is so far off the wagon, the wagon isn’t even in the picture.  And then she died.  Boom goes the dynamite! 

And while I could write mountains about this show, I'll spare you.  But I do have to comment on the shame of Brenda Walsh returning from Broadway so she could direct West Bev’s production of “Spring Awakening”.  Sure Shannen Doherty was a ploy to get idiots like me to tune in.  (Done.  And done.)  But I’m sorry...I call bullshit on the fact that this gigantic high school only had 15 kids who want to be in the school musical.  I went to school with ~350 people and I’d venture to guess 150 were involved in every school play. Just saying….who puts on "Spring Awakening"?  Great show. Saw it on Broadway.  I digress.

But back to W. Bev...a school that I wouldn’t have been cool enough to go to (or else I would have been the stereotypical nerd in the newspaper room…the Andrea pining for her Brandon…sorry…that’s my stuff)….but in the world of Naomi and Silver and Dixon (aka DJ David Silver Version 2.0) and Adriana and Liam and Annie and that guy who was the stud in season one but then they let that poor actor go and I have no memory of his real name or TV name and the hippy cool surfer girl (aka Betty/Sarah in the original, though she was an alkie who made out with Dylan) and Teddy who was supposed to be “the man”…a far better looking Steve Sanders with the lamest name who eventually comes out (at last a good storyline). 

I know there were more people, but I can’t even remember who they were.  What I remember is what counts and that’s these timeless memories:

• Adriana, who goes from drug-addicted teen mom to mega-star teen singer in a blink.  She pairs up with some hot male singer (I think he was supposed to be popular like the Jo-Bros, but actually a grown man).  Then Adriana has writer’s block and doubts here talent.  There’s a car accident or something and the guy dies.  And Adriana steals his lyric book from the accident scene and eventually releases the music as her own.  She gets found out (obvi), but what a fun short ride it was while it lasted.  Sidebar - she gives birth to a healthy baby and then gives it away.  But it also goes without saying she regrets that for a bit.  90210.  The show with a conscience.
• But never fear….Silver (aka Kelly's little sister Erin Silver.  But she's a legit badass so she goes by "Silver")...anyway, she later dates a guy with an adopted kid…and guess what???…it’s Adriana’s baby.  Not sure how that ended because I dropped out again at that point, but pretty sure the guy moved to the East Coast.  And when that happens it’s like he fell into the Bermuda triangle.  Apparently these people can't be bothered dating across a few time zones.  Snobs.
• Silver is bipolar and when she dates Adriana’s ex, Ade switches up Silver's meds that makes her go insanely crazy.  Because all girls are so mean that they actually screw with their friend’s meds to the point it might kill them.  Love you.  Mean it.
• Kelly, never one to break her Season 1/original 90210 ways, has an affair with Annie and Dixon’s dad, who is also the principal.  The marriage breaks up and the parents get written off the show.  But not before an episode where they mistakenly eat pot brownies.  Oh those crazy mid-western folks and their accidental drug intake!  Kelly also dates the young English teacher which I’m pretty sure was also scandalous. And then he dates Naomi’s sister. But she was so materialistic, she couldn’t date the poor English teacher and she couldn’t maintain a storyline, so they have her follow some rich European dude to somewhere in Europe.  Bon voyage another-rich-girl-whose-name-I-don't-remember!
• Annie becomes a prostitute of the Heidi Fleiss girls variety.  I think it was to pay for Dixon’s rehab (pills?  coke?  booze?  I don't remember) or something that was supposed to justify her slutty decision.  Not sure if this was better or worse than having her kill the guy in season 1.
• By the way, Annie also dates the grandson of the guy she killed, but she doesn't know he's the grandson.  She just thinks he's a boy who is hopelessly in love with her.  But he knew she killed him, obvi.  And then goes on to blackmail her and I think he may have tossed her down the stairs or something Ray Pruitt-style.  Nothing says "genius" like yet another recycled storyline.  Might as well burn someone in a fire while we're at it. 
• Lucinda Williams manages to reincarnate herself as a sleazy agent, trying to represent Liam.  But she’s not Lucinda. She’s just the same actress, playing a different full blown cougar, trying to shag a college boy.  Mazel!  Now the producers are just giving us the big fat 'wink wink nod nod'.  If Deshawn Hardell shows up I'm really going to be annoyed.  Good thing John Sears was too busy being old and murdery over on One Tree Hill.
• Silver’s doctor calls her on the phone to tell her she has cancer.  I’m fairly certain that never happens.
• Liam’s dad was Bo Duke.  He also made Liam live in the garage and I think he was building a boat.  Pacey?  Is that you?  Joey Potter here!
• Queen Bee Naomi falls in love with epic high school nerd.  He turns her down. She tries harder.  Eventually they get married (yeah, right).  And then divorced.  (That’s the ticket.)
• And for the piece de resistance, Navid’s father is a porn director and apparently has under-aged girls in his movies.  But he swears he "didn’t know”. Sure he didn’t.  Just like no one really knew how old Tracy Lords was.  Navid’s father is then on the run or leaves the country or something so he doesn’t have to go to jail.  And there's some mob/mafia storyline where Navid tries to save his families name (or money?) and works with the FBI to entrap the scoundrels.  Ah, family values. 

And if all of that doesn’t hurt enough, the finale has the group rallying around after the amphitheater where Adriana was performing collapses. Her and Navid (which still just sounds like the fancy man’s David) are stuck inside….the “gang” magically pulls together a fundraiser within hours and the Goo Goo Dolls are playing at it.  What?  Huh?  How?  WHAT????  And for some reason, the trapped people talk on their cell phones and live-stream the concert and never seem to run out of juice. Uh, a girl can only suspend so much disbelief. 

Thank God this show is over because so am I! Though glad to see Quentin came back from his literal death on One Tree Hill though not sure why he would want to date Naomi.  And his green suit was really horrible.  But I always liked Q.

As for the rest of the show, it was all pretty much happily ever after. Except for Silver and her cancer.  But she's fighting it, man!  So good for her.   

As for the rest of 90210, I'm sorry, but I have to say it.  Worst.  Finale.  Ever.

So now we can all wash our hands clean of this debacle...pray to God it doesn't show up on the Soap Network, where only good shows get to live on for eternity.  And poof!  I just got an hour of my life back.  Can't wait to see how I decide to waste this precious little chunk of time.

  

Manic Monday - Vault Open? Vault Closed?

Every once in a while I have a bit of buyer’s remorse that I went all “hey, it’s me” with this blog because that means I can’t always say what I really, really want to say.  And yeah, I know, I can do whatever I want. It’s a free country.  Blah-di-di-blah-blah-blah.  But as soon as I let loose and let it all hang out…that’s when the buyer’s remorse might kick in. 

Like if I wrote here what I’d say in text rant about my craptastic day and the people who made it that way. What I’d verbally vomit between glasses of wine and asking our lovely waitress “can we get some more chips?”.  What I’d scream at the TV when I watch bad good reality TV or E! or Girls or whatever else I’m obsessing with these days.  What last brought me to tears. (It’s more embarrassing that you’d even think. But shockingly it wasn’t the Lifetime movie Restless Virgins that I DVR’d and then watched in it’s horrid entirety.  That actually made me laugh.  And filled me with a bit of rage that crap like that gets made into a movie and I’m still striving to find an agent for what I think is far better writing in my book.  But I’m obvi totally biased.)  And of course if I said some of the thing that crossed my mind on a daily basis…this might get upgrade to a “not suitable for children” rating. 

But don’t get me wrong.  I’m still a bucket full of honest here.  Swear.  But some days it’s more like the cautious honesty you have with people you work with or people you just don’t want to invite inside the vault.  Not yet at least.  They get the honesty…but they don’t get the full disclosure.  Lest they think you were selfish or immature or insensitive or crazy or that you have bad taste in TV or that you rage too much on the weekend or that you are nightmare in relationships or that you should spend more time (or maybe less time) with your family.  That you whine and bitch and complain and judge and are a pushover or not opinionated enough or have way, way, way too many opinions.

And sure at the ripe old age of now, maybe I shouldn’t care.  And trust me when I say it’s not that I care.  But if we’ve learned anything from celeb Twitter accounts….you can’t always unring the bell.  And you can’t always unsee things. (Ugh. I’m back to that damn Bieber-is-shirtless-in-the-hospital image again. Damn you J.B.  And the cherry on top? You have a freak-out at the paparazzi. You’re giving them what they want.  And I know you have all sorts of weird pressure and you’re still a freaking tween living in a fake reality.  But to paraphrase some random person who I came across while surfing the US Weekly site in a daze this weekend- Bieber is one shaved head and umbrella away from a Britney 2007.  Cautionary tale, J.B.  Trust.  I’m not all kinds of honest here, but this is lots of honest.

Here comes the Libra.  You can’t unring that Bieber bell.  But I’m also a girl who likes to ring her bell.  Do we need balance?  Or are we just uber-complicated chicks?  Both, of course.

So the vault is open.  A bit.  I’m just going to be careful about what I let out.  And maybe change the faces and places to protect the innocent.  (Or rather not-so-innocent because they always make for more interesting stories anyway.)

Unfortunately sometimes I’m a big old sieve.  (Goalie!  Sieve!  Goalie!  Sieve!)  And it’s not always drinking thinking, so I really really have no one to blame but myself.   Like the other day at work when I didn’t even feel a slight twinge of shame when I not only admitted that I know what The Lying Game is, but in an effort to explain how horrible of a show it is I actually revealed that I’ve seen every episode since it premiered…and PS – we’re in Season 3 now….and not even Cordelia being on it can justify this Buffy 4-Eva fan watching it.  But I just can’t stop talking about it.  Even though the people I’m talking to are looking at me with wide eyes and a look that absolutely says they are embarrassed for me.  And then I tell them why I think Ethan is better than Thayer (officially worst teen soap name ever by-the-by).  Sigh.  I know.  Shame. 

But I’m cool with it.  Some people get very little out of me….some people get just enough to know who I am….and the rest….well, sorry you get the whole Kukla Fran and Caboodle.  If you know me at all, this is not a shocker.  If you don’t so much know me then apologies in advance.  Because here’s my Catch-22.

In order to get everything that’s in my head - and blocking all that creativity that I need to pour into my novel writing - I need to write it all down and get it out.   Stat. (Especially since the Writer’s Digest Conference is 3 weeks away and I don’t think I’ll have a new manuscript to pitch. But still going to be worth it.  Inspiration.  Motivation.  The kick in the ass I need.)  So I need to purge all the voices in my head…but not “voices” in a Sybil way….just in a I-have-a-lot-on-my-mind-that’s-kind-of-totally-weighing-me-down way.  And this is one of the places it’s going to happen. 

Apologies again for that about to happen.  But not just yet.  Because it’s Monday night and my brain is fried. And not only am I voluntarily watching 90210 (which no shocker here…is ending after this season.  RIP.   How dare you rival a classic?) I also watched the latest RHOBH.  And oddly Camille and Brandi make a cameo on 90210.  This is turning into a very odd/full circle kind of a night. 

And in something related to nothing, watching them in Paris is making me so So SO excited to go back.  So every time the cray cray from work (and life) starts to bleed into my brain I think about the light at the end of the tunnel. PARIS!  And I think about the wine…and the cheese…and the adventure we’re going to have…and the chocolate…and the scenery….and the great escape….and summertime pictures to balance out my November pictures from my last trip….and hopefully, maybe, if I’m lucky baby gets a brand new bag! 

I’m also so overtired and delusional that I got all choked up when Mauricio was on the bridge with Kyle and locked their lock and threw away the key.  But that’s a lusty crush for another day.  And here’s my other full circle moment….I don’t know why the hell Kyle’s store has the tagline “by Alene Too”.  But since I’m an Alene then I’m guessing it can be Mauricio and Alene TOO? 

In the words of Lisa Vanderpump.  “BOOM!”

And this song is for no other reason than that it's amazing.  And why it's in my head is a story for another day!

Twofer Tuesday - Or A Dozen Reasons to Keep Pumping

So it was the season finale of Vanderpump Rules last night, which means it’s the last time I’m going to get to write about it.  Sigh. Until next week’s reunion of course.  And probably after I catch a rainy Sunday marathon and I feel the need to just chatterbox about the ridiculousness of it all.  And then I can only hope…pray…make wishes at 11:11…that there’s going to be a Season 2.  Bring it on Andy Cohen!

But until then I’ll just have to talk about last night.  

If you didn’t catch it then A) WTF?  Do you have something better to do on Monday nights?  And B) If you do then you could have DVR’d it and watched it this morning like a regular, resourceful, totally normal, not at all obsessive girl.  Stop judging me immediately and if you watched the ep or don’t fear some spoilers, read on…

So the episode started out a bit slow and snoozy and I was starting to get annoyed.  Finale are supposed to be built for drama.  Best for last.  You know the drill.  And then BAM! Here comes cray cray:

L-L gets all G.G.

1. Laura-Leigh quits. Because she booked a movie.  With Jennifer Aniston.  Huh?  What?  How?  Yet, this turns out to be totally legit.  Filmed the movie last fall with Jen A. and Ed Helms and Emma Roberts.  Comes out this summer.  And she graduated from Julliard. Not sure when she detoured to the dark place, but leaping from a waitress at Sur and sparring with Princess (yak) Stassi to a Jen Aniston movie.  O. M. G.
2. And speaking of O. M. G. L-L was in Season 2 of Gossip Girl as the chick who Chuck hired to pretend to date Dan to bring out the worst in Serena so she would dethrone Blair as the Queen Bee.  The mean girls poured a Nair cocktail on her and chunks of her hair came out.  You may not remember it (oh the shame), but it makes me like her a little more.  And then I remember she “dated” Jax.  Though she did a fabulous job tearing him apart after he started to ignore her and blow her off by de-friending her on Facebook.  LOL!  Coward. Party of one.
3. In the next scene Jax follows Stassi around like a puppy. He also follows her puppy around like a puppy.  I don’t like him, but I am embarrassed for him.  You know.  As a man.  (Him.  Man.  Me.  Pitying him not acting like a man.)
4. Then it gets a little snoozy again.  And then there’s a photo shoot for the staff at Lisa’s house.  (Huh?  What?  How? And seri….Why?).  And then Jax puts a sock down his bathing suit for more…ahem…flattering photos.  And swears it’s a “best kept secret of modeling”.  Sure, dude.  Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night.  The best-kept-secret party would have been better kept if you didn’t do it on camera.  But that’s the least of your worries, dude.
5. Then there’s another photo shoot at Sur.  What what?  Admittedly I’ve never worked at a restaurant, but to me…still seems odd.  But I’m going to chalk that up to Hollywood.
6. Everyone is besties with Scheana despite Stassi’s quest to make everyone hate her.  Even Stassi thinks she's pretty damn cool these days.  And even though Scheana was the dramatic bridge between Housewives and Vandy Pumping she was actually the least dramatic…and dare I say the least interesting of them all.  And that counts the two brunettes that I can’t really tell apart.
7. Token girl-on-girl kiss.  Worst staged moment and it looked completely awkward to say the least.  Snoooooooooooooze.
8. But then I wake up….Jax decides to go to a shrink in one of his steps to improve himself and show Stassi how worthy he is.  And we get a fabulous peak behind the curtain of this former model/current bartender, 33-year old dude who has kept us captivated all season. (If you can’t read my sarcasm in this, allow me to assure you….I am rolling my eyes and laughing my ass off while I type.)
9. Brace yourself for this one. Jax’s name isn’t really Jax.  (SHOCKING!)  It’s Jason. Which was cool enough for Priestly.  And Bateman.  And Bourne.  What up JAX?
10. What's up is that he's a compulsive liar.
11. And he did cheat on Stassi a few months ago and knock up the random chick in Vegas.  Did not in fact happen years ago, pre-Stassi.
12. And…you guessed it….HE LIED ABOUT IT.  TO EVERYONE.  Including his friends.  And his shrink.  And Lisa.  And Bravo during his confessional.  And to Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live! a few weeks back.  Though Stassi and Jax were back together again on that episode, so I’m not really sure how that happened…how he got away with lying…how Stassi took him back…since Vandy isn’t filmed in real time.  But no judgment.  (Lie.  Total judgment.)

And there you have it.  

So where do we go from here?  Like you don’t know.  Bravo Vandy Reunion next Monday.  I’m not sure what I’m more excited about…seeing it….or dissecting the hell out of it here.

And fear not….Vandy may be coming to an end (for now) but next week is the comeback of Rachel Zoe.  I'm lusting her necklace from this pic b-t-w.  And can't wait to see what she's wearing.  And who she's dressing.  And the fashion shows.  And celeb stuff.  And her funny, random phrases.  

Still not sure how I feel about Rodger's hair, but one thing at a time.

And RZ is followed by A Brad Brad World which I will admit annoyed me a touch the first season, but considering I made it through the whole Stassi/Jax/Frank/Laura-Leigh thing, then surely I can see what Brad is up to.  Plus he does have some funny one-liners. And I’m a sucker for the celebrity sighting.  Until then…..