World Ruling Resolutions

I’m not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions.  I don’t believe in flipping the page on a calendar and suddenly getting the ‘okay’ to change a whole bunch of crap about myself and my life.  I mean, can you think of anything more intimidating than a laundry list of all the things you want to do different, better, for the first time (or the last time)?  Yikes!  Talk about a pressure cooker.

I can think of no better way to set myself up to fail than to stare at a list of insurmountable things to do.  Nope.  Not for me.  I mean any day that ends in a “y” is a good enough day to effect change, right?

So if you ask me (which I know you didn’t but I’m going to tell you anyway), we should be resolving and evolving every day. It doesn’t have to all be epic stuff.  It’s whatever you want it to be.  So whether it’s to hit the gym or take out the trash.  To get up five minutes earlier or to not wait until the last minute to make the hair appointment.  To buy less.  To buy more.  Smile at strangers.  Stand up for yourself.  Be happy.  Be less snarky. 

Whatever it is, it’s your own personal stuff.  And you can start over, start new, start fresh on any day you want.  It’s up to you and it’s your personal business.  Same as mine.  Which I’ll keep to me, myself and I.

But of course with me being me I couldn’t help but fantasize about all the things I would resolve to change in the universe if in the event I, well, ruled the world.  So here goes.  If I had the almighty power, I would wave my magic wand and a whole new world would start in 2014 and look a little something like this:

• Vanderpump Rules would film year round and air year round.  The drama would never end.  I don’t think I’ve been this obsessed pleasantly surprised about a reality TV show since LC and Kristin Cavallari walked onto my TV screen.  Keep Jax and Stassi and the Toms and the angry drunk with the bad dye job coming. (I know it’s you Katie.  I just like to hate on your hair and eyebrows). 
• I find the fabulous agent who lands me the amazing book deal, which affords me the opportunity to leave this corporate world behind.
• And then I finish another book.  And enjoy my book tour.  Kicking ass and taking names.
• The word “Kardashian” and anything and everything it’s associated with would magically disappear.  No more screen time.  No more overexposure.  No more sucking up minutes on E! News.  No tabloid coverage.  No ridiculous selfies.  No famous for knowing famous people.  None of it.  They would just go back to being a family in Calabasas that none of us ever knew existed.  
• Manicures would never chip.  And they wouldn’t require any gel or acrylics to stay put.
• The only time there would be crappy weather on the weekend would be when I was looking for an excuse to hibernate, hide out and do nothing.  Those things are so much easier to rationalize when it’s crazy raining or snowing or plain old arctic outside.  Here’s looking at you Mother Nature.
• Sirens, car horns, garbage trucks and generally disruptive noise would only be allowed from 9 a.m. – 6 p.m. on days I’m at work.  Other than that I want to enjoy the quiet.  I know I live in the city, but Midtown East would be free of this crap. 
• Miley would put her clothes on.
• McConaughey and B. Cooper would keep taking theirs off.
• I’d freeze time for a bit so I could enjoy the here and now.  I’ve frittered away time and since I can’t get it back, I’d like to stop it.  (Though if I could go back a few years, knowing then what I know now, that could be cool.  But this is all about looking forward not back.  So freeze time it is.)
• Manhattan real estate would be more affordable.  And I’d get myself an upgrade.  With a much better closet.  And doors that aren’t hanging by a string.  And a washer/dryer in the apartment.
• Johnny Damon would be playing baseball again.
• Crazy people would steer clear of me.  Not the good crazy people.  Just the ones who are crazy as all get out.  The stalkers and clingers.  The single white females.  The ones with the inexplicable tempers.  The ones who never own their mistakes.  Or who fabricate situations out of thin air to try to explain why they suck.  You know who I’m talking about….the ones who put the cray-cray in crazy.  People who like to get crazy – fun nights out, laughing until it hurts, twisted and dirty senses of humor, who knock off a bottle of wine and don’t hesitate to order another – you can all happily stay.  You make my life better.  Good crazy = totally cool.  Bad crazy = don’t go away mad…just go away.
• I’d also like the compulsive liars to leave me be.
• And the toxic folks.  You can keep on walking.  In fact I might send you all to an island together.  Or maybe to Britney’s Vegas show.  For life.  You’re toxic.  I’m slipping under.
• Weekly massages at Bliss would be required.
• As would monthly trips to Paris.  And I would fall asleep as soon as I sat down on the plane and wake up just as we landed, looking and feeling amazing.  Always in first class.  Because I deserve it.
• Book deals would not be handed out to people just because they are on TV.  What could Snookie and Brandi Glanville really have to say that’s worth the money they are making?  Maybe I’m jealous (I’d magically whisk that away btw).  But seeing people like this get even richer doing my dream does make me a little crazy.
• Travelling for fun would be a rule not an exception.
• Duran Duran would reunite. With Andy Taylor this time.  And I’d have front row seats.
• Sophia Bush would be my biffle.  As in BFFL.  As in best friend for life.  Since she’s already coming back to TV in January that magic was already spun.  So BFFL it is.
• Humidity would not affect my hair.
• The treadmill under the ceiling fan would always be available.
• My singing voice wouldn’t make people cry.  In pain.  And this would be my theme song:

So tell me…what would you resolve to change if you could?

So bad it actually physically hurts

So I tuned into the VMAs last night for several reasons – JT, Gaga, the Red Carpet fashion and because I thought there might be something worth seeing in their over-hyped fabulous new Brooklyn location.  

Verdict?  Quite possibly the worst “award” show I’ve watched in years.  And yes I’m quoting the hell out of “award” because I think they gave out all of about 10 and 3 of them were on the Red Carpet.  It was pretty much a mish-mosh of generally crappy performances with bad comedy and stars with little star power in between.  

What happened to the days when legit stars in the music industry attended the big show and performed at it?  Apparently the went the way of MTV actually playing videos.  It doesn't happen.

So here's the breakdown....

The good:

Justin.  Justin.  Justin.  Quick NSYNC reunion.  Justin.  Jimmy Fallon.  Justin.

The okay:

Gaga.  Now in all fairness this woman kicked ass from the start and set her own bar so high I’m not sure she’ll ever replicate the lightning in a bottle success that was The Fame Monster.  Or this incredible performance:

Last night wasn’t my most favorite, but she’s still a totally cool lady who is doing great things for music and art and creativity and always keeps it interesting.  I will always tune in for her.

The bad:

Where do I start?

For one, I don’t know who anyone is anymore which makes me feel old as dirt.  I remember Sway (or Shea or Shashay…you know the guy).  And I know Jared Leto from the Jordan Catalano days (still epic).  And I know who Selena Gomez because the rock I live under isn’t that big.  But it kind of ended there with one major cherry on top.

Proof that the phrase “it’s so bad, it’s good” doesn’t always hold true.  In the case of Miley’s big night out it was a case of “it’s so bad, it’s horrendously awful.”

Now I know…I know…who the hell am I to be snarky and mean and make bitchy comments about her “performance”?  I’m the girl who’s still rinsing the vomit out her mouth from that train wreck.  I’ve earned the right to mock it.

Now for a little flashback moment - I remember well how genuinely horrified my mother was when we sat side-by-side during Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” performance back in the day.  I’m pretty sure my mom uttered the word “pig” 57 times during Madonna’s four

minutes roll and thrust and hump across the stage but I would still say Miley’s was far worse. And not just because I was so young and stupid back then that I didn’t get how inappropriate Madonna was.  Madonna was definitely risqué and provocative and a lot bit dirty.  And she certainly made a name for herself that night and embarked on an epic pop genius ride of reinvention and even more provocative performances and some good music (along with some bad).  But her performances were always well thought out and executed and never looked like a dirty frat party acid trip.

Miley?  Well…I’m ripe with questions and WTFs: 

• What’s with the tongue just hanging out?  I get the Gene Simmons thing.  It was his shtick.  I don’t get your tongue hanging out to the left with one eye closed.  You don’t look badass.  You look moronic.
• For the sake of teddy bears everywhere (and children everywhere) please stop exploiting stuffed animals for the sake of raunchy entertainment. It’s bad enough I have to dodge adults in Elmo and Cookie costumes every day. Leave the bears alone.  Is nothing sacred?
• There’s nothing remotely sexy, shocking or innovative about bending over with your ass in the air in a barely-there leotard and sneakers.  While still sticking your tongue out.  Twerking?  Is that what the cool kids are calling it?  (God, I feel old.) 
• Foam fingers are for sports arenas.  Not to be thrust between your legs.  Good lord!
• Stripping out of the barely-there to next-to-nothing was also unnecessary.
• Not sure why you were half-singing “Blurred Lines”, but having to watch you grind up on Robin Thicke was more uncomfortable than having to watch a sex scene in Girls.  Again, not sexy.  And you came dangerously close to ruining that song for me. 
• I get it.  You want to shatter the Disney image.  But take a lesson from Brit-Brit. If you’re going to trade the Mickey Mouse Club for the Strip Club you put on a good song and lip-sync a la “Oops I Did It Again” from the 2000 VMA’s.  People were shocked.  Brittany nailed it.  She may not be the Pop Princess anymore, but that performance certainly catapulted her there for a while.   And didn’t leave people wanting to drill needles into their eyes.  Or take a shower to wipe the ick-factor off.
• If you want to prove how different and unique and interesting and your own woman that you are, then why would you do the same stereotypical strip down and sexed up performance as so many talentless others opt for? If you want to be different….well, then, BE different.  This wasn’t creative artistic expression. This was unmitigated disaster. 

Time to take a page from the book of JT who moved gracefully from Disney to Boy Band to well-respected singer-dancer-artist-actor-entertainer-extraordinaire.   You can be racy

(see: wardrobe malfunction) and dirty (see:  Dick in a Box) and a little bit sexed up (see:  Sexy Back…and the Like I Love You video to name a few) and innovative (see:  NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” also at the 2000 VMA’s).  You can weather some controversy.  Get some people talking.  Not please all of the people all of the time (no one can).  And score yourself a Video Vanguard Award all by the age of 32. 

Yes, people are talking about Miley (hell, I’m writing about the girl) and maybe that was the simple goal all along.  But I’m going to go out a limb and say this is not good chatter.  This is Amanda Bynes/Beiber-going-crazy chatter.  I really wish I could un-see what I saw.

For now, will be trying to drown out the images with this:

  

Fab Five Friday - The Magic of an Exorcism

It’s the middle of a premature heat wave in NYC. (Over it.  Party of one.)  And as much as I hate the heat and find everything much less fun in this kind of weather, I have to say, today was a really good day.  A game changer of a day if you will.  And for the first time in really, really long time I feel like I’m walking a little taller and breathing a little easier.  

There’s something very liberating about having an epically toxic person exorcised from your life.  And that’s what happened to me today. This weather may be trying to keep me down, but in this moment...not gonna happen, whether you like it of not, WEATHER!  Because I couldn't be happier.  

And, sure, who doesn't love a good exorcism?  But if that's not your thing, here's five other things that are making me smile a little wider:  

Long Live the Queen:

 

I’ve been lusting the McQueen skull scarf for a long time, but have been waiting for a cool color or pattern that I don’t see all the time. I fell in love with leopard skull but at nearly $800 I couldn’t quite justify. 

I simultaneously spent some quality time lusting a black/yellow/white DVF scarf .  Full price.  Sale price.  But something still held me back from pulling the trigger.  

Sixth sense?  Gut check?  How did I just *know* that something better was coming along?

Well  then I found this loveliness.  All the right colors in a unique McQueen pattern.  Cannot wait to debut this next week.

Black and White Cookies:

My crack.  My weakness.  My everything.  I’m also fairly certain I’ve gushed about this before, but whatevs….they’re that damn good.  And today this giant cookie is as amazing as a glass of bubbly!

Epic Post-It Notes:

Moving through the Book Architecture Revision Method and I’m up to the dreaded but necessary step to see if what I’ve written actually supports my theme.  (And the fear of committing to what I think is my theme.)  

But the fun part is it involves brainstorming and giant paper and markers and feels like a semi-fun arts and crafts.  Or maybe if I tell myself that it will less like work.  But I’m committed to this (and I really do love a totally different approach to revising).  

And I love any excuse to go to Staples and buy cool pens and paper.  I mean how cool are these giant Post-Its?  I’m thinking if I also use them for my To Do Lists than I will seriously have no excuses for not getting stuff done.

Mystery Overload:

First up there’s Motive a new show on ABC that shows you the victim, the killer and the murder.  And the show focuses on how the detectives find the killer through deciphering the motive for the killing.  It’s two eps in and I think an interesting twist on the mystery show. Plus I love a great lady detective since I’m writing mysteries so I fine the inspiration everywhere.  Also love that Joey McIntire got killed two minutes into episode 1.  But not before a little “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” karaoke.  So good.

Next up – The Killing is back on Sunday.  New season.  New crime.  Dark and will probably give me some creeper dreams. But it’s such a great show.  And again, I take the inspiration from everywhere. 

And finally, a new book – Touch and Go by Lisa Gardner.  A prominent Back Bay family gets kidnapped on the first few pages.  Now what?  Mystery + Boston + fast-paced-thriller = happy me!!!

Musical Magic:

It’s no secret that I love music and devour lyrics and that it can change my mood in the matter of a few beats.  The first song I officially listened to post-exorcism today was “Everything’s Magic” by Angels and Airwaves.  

I love when a song I haven’t listened to in a while comes across the shuffle feature and hits home.  Love it!  For these lyrics and more!

“So hear this please

And watch as your hearts speeds up endlessly

And look for the stars as the sun goes down

Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound

Everything, everything's magic

Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight

Prepare for the best and the fastest ride

And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine

Everything, everything's magic.”

Manic Monday - Vault Open? Vault Closed?

Every once in a while I have a bit of buyer’s remorse that I went all “hey, it’s me” with this blog because that means I can’t always say what I really, really want to say.  And yeah, I know, I can do whatever I want. It’s a free country.  Blah-di-di-blah-blah-blah.  But as soon as I let loose and let it all hang out…that’s when the buyer’s remorse might kick in. 

Like if I wrote here what I’d say in text rant about my craptastic day and the people who made it that way. What I’d verbally vomit between glasses of wine and asking our lovely waitress “can we get some more chips?”.  What I’d scream at the TV when I watch bad good reality TV or E! or Girls or whatever else I’m obsessing with these days.  What last brought me to tears. (It’s more embarrassing that you’d even think. But shockingly it wasn’t the Lifetime movie Restless Virgins that I DVR’d and then watched in it’s horrid entirety.  That actually made me laugh.  And filled me with a bit of rage that crap like that gets made into a movie and I’m still striving to find an agent for what I think is far better writing in my book.  But I’m obvi totally biased.)  And of course if I said some of the thing that crossed my mind on a daily basis…this might get upgrade to a “not suitable for children” rating. 

But don’t get me wrong.  I’m still a bucket full of honest here.  Swear.  But some days it’s more like the cautious honesty you have with people you work with or people you just don’t want to invite inside the vault.  Not yet at least.  They get the honesty…but they don’t get the full disclosure.  Lest they think you were selfish or immature or insensitive or crazy or that you have bad taste in TV or that you rage too much on the weekend or that you are nightmare in relationships or that you should spend more time (or maybe less time) with your family.  That you whine and bitch and complain and judge and are a pushover or not opinionated enough or have way, way, way too many opinions.

And sure at the ripe old age of now, maybe I shouldn’t care.  And trust me when I say it’s not that I care.  But if we’ve learned anything from celeb Twitter accounts….you can’t always unring the bell.  And you can’t always unsee things. (Ugh. I’m back to that damn Bieber-is-shirtless-in-the-hospital image again. Damn you J.B.  And the cherry on top? You have a freak-out at the paparazzi. You’re giving them what they want.  And I know you have all sorts of weird pressure and you’re still a freaking tween living in a fake reality.  But to paraphrase some random person who I came across while surfing the US Weekly site in a daze this weekend- Bieber is one shaved head and umbrella away from a Britney 2007.  Cautionary tale, J.B.  Trust.  I’m not all kinds of honest here, but this is lots of honest.

Here comes the Libra.  You can’t unring that Bieber bell.  But I’m also a girl who likes to ring her bell.  Do we need balance?  Or are we just uber-complicated chicks?  Both, of course.

So the vault is open.  A bit.  I’m just going to be careful about what I let out.  And maybe change the faces and places to protect the innocent.  (Or rather not-so-innocent because they always make for more interesting stories anyway.)

Unfortunately sometimes I’m a big old sieve.  (Goalie!  Sieve!  Goalie!  Sieve!)  And it’s not always drinking thinking, so I really really have no one to blame but myself.   Like the other day at work when I didn’t even feel a slight twinge of shame when I not only admitted that I know what The Lying Game is, but in an effort to explain how horrible of a show it is I actually revealed that I’ve seen every episode since it premiered…and PS – we’re in Season 3 now….and not even Cordelia being on it can justify this Buffy 4-Eva fan watching it.  But I just can’t stop talking about it.  Even though the people I’m talking to are looking at me with wide eyes and a look that absolutely says they are embarrassed for me.  And then I tell them why I think Ethan is better than Thayer (officially worst teen soap name ever by-the-by).  Sigh.  I know.  Shame. 

But I’m cool with it.  Some people get very little out of me….some people get just enough to know who I am….and the rest….well, sorry you get the whole Kukla Fran and Caboodle.  If you know me at all, this is not a shocker.  If you don’t so much know me then apologies in advance.  Because here’s my Catch-22.

In order to get everything that’s in my head - and blocking all that creativity that I need to pour into my novel writing - I need to write it all down and get it out.   Stat. (Especially since the Writer’s Digest Conference is 3 weeks away and I don’t think I’ll have a new manuscript to pitch. But still going to be worth it.  Inspiration.  Motivation.  The kick in the ass I need.)  So I need to purge all the voices in my head…but not “voices” in a Sybil way….just in a I-have-a-lot-on-my-mind-that’s-kind-of-totally-weighing-me-down way.  And this is one of the places it’s going to happen. 

Apologies again for that about to happen.  But not just yet.  Because it’s Monday night and my brain is fried. And not only am I voluntarily watching 90210 (which no shocker here…is ending after this season.  RIP.   How dare you rival a classic?) I also watched the latest RHOBH.  And oddly Camille and Brandi make a cameo on 90210.  This is turning into a very odd/full circle kind of a night. 

And in something related to nothing, watching them in Paris is making me so So SO excited to go back.  So every time the cray cray from work (and life) starts to bleed into my brain I think about the light at the end of the tunnel. PARIS!  And I think about the wine…and the cheese…and the adventure we’re going to have…and the chocolate…and the scenery….and the great escape….and summertime pictures to balance out my November pictures from my last trip….and hopefully, maybe, if I’m lucky baby gets a brand new bag! 

I’m also so overtired and delusional that I got all choked up when Mauricio was on the bridge with Kyle and locked their lock and threw away the key.  But that’s a lusty crush for another day.  And here’s my other full circle moment….I don’t know why the hell Kyle’s store has the tagline “by Alene Too”.  But since I’m an Alene then I’m guessing it can be Mauricio and Alene TOO? 

In the words of Lisa Vanderpump.  “BOOM!”

And this song is for no other reason than that it's amazing.  And why it's in my head is a story for another day!