Pumping Vander

I’m slowly recovering from my NaNo writing hangover.   The good thing is my mind is spinning with ideas.  The bad thing is I definitely needed to give myself more than 24 hours to recover because my brain is also mush.  And I'm having a hard time typing.  Like I have paws for hands.  Or maybe the Advil PM is kicking in and I won't remember any of this in the morning.  Either way, this combo of uselessness  means it’s the perfect time to catch up on the DVR and I have never be happier about Bravo’s existence.

At this stage of the game I could take or leave Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Though let's be honest…I can't quit them, man.  

If I could be so bold as to call them storylines, would have to say Kyle’s is same old/same old (hot hubby, kids, squabbling with someone), Kim is a little dry for me (pun intended) and she’s got a really scary dog (I like her better on Watch What Happens), Yolanda just irks me with her juice cleanses and her overall ‘tude and Brandi…well….I’ve got nothing.  And she’s got no class.  But she did write a book and got a new big house which really sends my jealous rage into overdrive.  Another faux-leb with a book deal?!  Dammit.  And what is Lisa thinking hanging with her?  Oh, wait, she learned that Brandi is bad news.  The episode just hasn’t aired yet.

And then there’s the new girls. Who of course are similar looking but there's no chance we'll mix these two ladies up. 

We’ve got Joyce.  Oops…sorry…dozed off just typing her name.  And I also have tha bad name-association because I grew up with a girl and her German Shepard's name was Joyce so there's that.  Sorry BJ Joyce.  I just don't think I could like you even if I wanted to.

And then there's Carlton.  She’s apparently there to shake things up.  She’s the f-bombing mom, who’s also a Wicca and has a house that looks like a church and is a’ok with Brandi dropping the c-word (and I don’t mean ‘candy’) and apparently they made out.  (Who?!  What?!).  Yet oddly when snoozy Von Joyce (she won a beauty pageant at some stage) talked about her hubby's package, Carlton was offended over how classless Joyce was.  Huh?  You can laugh about see you next Tuesday all the live long day, but Joyce talking about how hot she thinks her hubby is, is inappropriate?  Oh and she gives her cat acupuncture.  Good Lord.  I can’t deal with her.

So I pretty much blitz through RHOBH to get the good stuff.  And I’m gonna be honest.  My Vander is so pumping right now!  To the point that I can’t even contain myself.  So why wait? 

It’s been a year in filming time since the last season ended.  And isn’t it great to see everyone is still working at SUR, hating on each other and getting drunk and having fights.  Wasn’t it so fun to be in our twenties?   

So here goes.  And bee-tee-dubs not even hate-watching Vanderpump Rules anymore.   All love.

• Jax is back at SUR.  Stassi is still being the biggest B in town to him.  And he keeps coming back for more.   Grow a pair dude.  Last we saw you, you admitted your name and pretty much your whole life was a lie.  And yet this people take you back.  And despite all that Jax has managed to outdo himself by being even more preposterous than before.  While chilling at the tat parlor to get his tribal tat covered with some fish/flower/something giant (because Princess Stassi would never date a guy with tribal tat), he got a “Stassi” tattoo.  Because that will help win her back.  Bad enough to get a current gf’s name tattooed on your body (i.e. kiss of death).  But an already ex’s name?  #youreatotaldbag
• It was tough last year that there were two boyfriends named Tom with little to distinguish them in my mind.  Tougher still?  They are both back.  Lucky for us viewers rockstar Tom (the one with all the hair mousse and flat iron) is getting lots of screen time since he cheated on Kristen and that’s all anyone can talk about when his name comes up.  I’m not defending his cheating, but man this guy is taking a beating.
• Which brings me to the fact that Tom and Kristin are still together in some weird roommate relationship sitch.  I realize we see about 10% of what gets filmed but I’m thinking if I spent all of my time crying and fighting with someone who cheated on me with a stranger in Vegas, then I’d probably want out.  (Or at least my no longer 20something self would.)  
• Any time Kristin’s not fighting with Tom she’s fighting with her friends about him because it’s ALL THESE GIRLS TALK ABOUT.  #getalife  Man up, someone (anyone!), and end the torture of this fauxlationship.  Kristin seems to live to torture Tom.  I get it…he cheated on you and it sucked.  Royally.  But either forgive him and move forward. Or don’t and move out.  But don’t complain about the situation you’re in when you have total control over your choice to stay or go.  End scene.
• The fact that Katie (aka the other girl from Season 1) has now dyed her hair an offending shade of orange which eventually becomes a horrid blonde has served the wonderful purpose of making me realize 1) she isn’t Kristin and 2) she exists.  She has
  
  also managed to draw crazy attention to her giant dark eyebrows.  I’m not an advocate of plucking them into oblivion, but they kind of look like they were drawn on with a jumbo black magic marker. Katie – a word of advice from a been-there-done-that-brunette-who-went-blonde.  Not a good look.  Oh, and your burlesque dancing….also not a good look.
• Scheana got a SUR bestie so maybe she has a small chance of not getting totally slaughtered at work every day.  This chick Arianna from Lisa’s other restaurant is there to bartend and hang out with her other bestie Tom…you know Kristin’s cheater bf.  Just a matter of time before that whole triangle thing implodes.  Bring it.
• Stassi’s mom.  There is something about a middle-aged woman trying to fit in with her daughter and her friends by downing tequila shots and wanting to hunker down for girl talk that just reeks of pathetic and painful.  Nothing screams desperate like trying to get your fifteen minutes of fame off your crazy train daughter. It actually physically hurts.  You might want to give Dina Lohan a call now and save yourself a lot of time.
• Scheana had an apparently debilitating oral surgery.  And sprains her ankle.  And then shows up in the biggest eyeglasses I’ve seen since Urkle with some phantom eye injury, which in a later episode makes her fear getting her make-up done for a SUR party.  Huh?  How?  Someone please keep this nonsense coming. 
• When Katie and Scheana’s boyfriends get into fisticuffs at Scheana and Pandora’s birthday party I actually started to laugh.  And they were fighting about the fact that the girls were fighting.  So ridic.  Surprisingly Jax didn’t pull his shirt off to be a part of the fight (apparently so last season).  Still brilliant TV. 
• More brilliant?  Pandora and her adorbs hubby (hello, Jason!) left the party
  
  early since it was so juvenile and petty and bitchy.  She’s total mini-Lisa.  I hope she gets more screen time this year. I’d also like to be her friend and get to write for her online magazine.  Why don’t my friends have online magazines?  Grrrr.  Argh.
• There’s also another new face from SUR that entered the scene.  I don’t know her name, but it isn’t really important.  She’s not a lead player. She’s just there to fill the fourth seat with Stassi, Kristin and not-Kristin-I’m-Katie,  get drunk and talk some smack.  Welcome to the jungle.  I’m sure she will either be skewered by Stassi or Scheana at some point this season.  Every mean girl group needs the sacrificial lamb.
• Uh…Stassi and Kristen do a wardrobe styling for their passport photo.  OMFG.  The last time Kristen styled herself this much was for her mugshot.  Not even kidding.  She says it the way a normal person might mention they have to go get their laundry from the dryer.  It was almost as causal as Jax telling the dudes he might have breast cancer.  Yes.  That is in all seriousness too.  Test results to come next week…..

This season has seriously been so entertaining I almost stopped longing for the crazy train recovering meth addict who Jax rebounded with post-Stassi.  Wouldn’t she make for a great cameo?

Fingers are crossed for next week.  

And oh…PS- they are still filming the show so you know there’s lots of juicy goodness to come.  Thank you, Andy Cohen.  This spinoff is true genius.  As are you.

The NaNo Victory Dance

Are you there blog?  It's me.  Again.  Having been the most neglectful I've ever been.  It's amazing I can keep my plants alive given the total lack of attention I've paid to my personal life in the past three months.  But I've been thinking about you.  I swear.  But I know…I know….actions speak louder than words.  So here goes nothing.

I’m finally emerging from the Bermuda writing triangle.  I spent a better part of November with my ass glued to the chair and my hands on the keyboard.  And have so happily typed my way to a third straight “win” in National Novel Writing Month.  Won with 51,733 words to be exact. 

Now, to be clear, anyone who hits the 50K word goal “wins”.  And by "anyone" I mean writers of all genres of all levels from all over the world.  We're not just anyone, but what I consider a totally fabulous group.  

And also to be clear typing 50,000 words of anything isn’t an easy feat so I’m tooting my horn and tapping myself on the back and raising the roof.  And along with 309,366 other novelists I committed to getting it done and while I’m not sure how many people crossed the 50K finish line, I know I am in very, very good company.

I’m still high on finishing NaNo.  It’s been a hell of a few months but I decided I wouldn’t let myself get derailed from something I really wanted to do. And now I have the beginnings and some middle of my next project.  Woot! 

It’s my fourth year doing NaNo and I always come out the other side feeling so much more inspired and proud and better.  And it reminds me that even though I’m suffering from a hell of a lot of paralysis in the rest of my life, I put my head down and despite lots of distractions (many of which were self-inflicted….like the internet and the TV and shopping and the internet) I got it done.  Which kind of renews my faith in the fact that if I put my head and my heart into something I can get it done.

I know, very so-cheesy-it-makes-me-want-to-puke happy ending here, but what can I say?  I’m feeling blissfully hopeful about what could be instead of what is.

And that’s that for now.  I’m taking the night off to buy myself a victory present (hello, Barnes & Noble) and am going to indulge in some TV.  Then it’s back at The Legacy final rewrites.  Like the saying goes, writers write.  And that’s just what I’m going to do.  Tomorrow.

Writers Write. The End. But Also the Beginning....

I’m still coming off the whirlwind high of this weekend’s Writers Digest Conference.  It was exhausting and exhilarating and inspiring and interesting and overwhelming and makes me want to write my ass off and also makes me feel like I’ve wasted so much time not writing and squandered away too many days watching reruns of Murder, She Wrote and Castle and convincing myself it’s all in the name of research.  Or I lose countless time trying to find a good celeb haircut picture to bring to my new hairdresser on Saturday so I don’t come out looking like crap because I can’t articulate how I want to look even at this stage in my life. 

So now my head is spinning with all the things I want to do….I need to do:

• Start voraciously editing “The Legacy”.
• And at the same time read the fabulous new book I bought, “Blueprint Your Bestseller” by Stuart Horowitz, to learn how to edit and revise my way to success. 
• Actually use my Twitter account that I’ve never posted one character to, never mind 140 characters. 
• It goes without saying that I need to start following people on Twitter to get them to follow me and build my platform (which was often looked at as a 4-letter word this weekend) so when the time comes, more than friends and family will be interested in buying my book (knock on wood!!!).
• Figure out a better way to use Facebook.
• And figure out how to promote this blog. 
• Which means create more blog content so my five followers have something to read.  (And if you’re one of those five, tell your friends…repost me…spread the good word….please!!!!!!!  I’m only half kidding btw.  By which I mean not even kidding at all.)
• Read my Donald Maass books.  (His session was amazing!!!)
• Diversify.  Word is that’s the key.  You need to do more than books.  Or just articles.  Or just. one. thing.
• So now I have to research websites and brainstorm and write some more.

And on and on it goes. I don’t even know where to begin, but I’m so anxious to start going, but here I am, kind of frozen with all my choices.  My head is literally spinning.

But what it all boils down to is this – writers write.  It’s that simple.  It’s like eating well and working out will help get you and keep you in shape.  Duh!  We get it.  We know it.  But it’s still one of the hardest things for us to do.  I somehow procrastinate from the things I do want to do deep down...that I like to do.  (Though some days I do really hate running.  Like a lot.)  

So that of course begs the question of why do I sometimes avoid the one thing I love.  That I say I love.  That I want to do.  To write.  It's what it's all about.  

But here's the thing.  Writers write.

And I’ll keep saying it over and over.  Writing it over and over.  Reminding myself over and over. 

WRITERS WRITE.

One of the last speakers I saw yesterday told us to take a week…let it all sink in…don’t try to get it all done in the next few hours or next few days, which is of course the natural instinct. I was all gangbusters that I would do Camp NaNoWriMo in April, which is another chance to knock out 50,000 words and reboot my writing…looks like I’ll be waiting for the July Camp, seeing as how it’s April 8^th and while I did actually get some ideas down over the course of the weekend, I’m definitely not in a 50,000 word state of mind.

So for now, I’m reading over my notes.  Being pretty amazed by it all.  Letting my mind run wild. 

And channeling the advice of all the amazing people I met and saw this weekend:

• Write to quota.  Commit to a certain number of words, not hours, a week.
• Embrace the weirdness.
• We resist the parts of our book that are weakest. Confront them and work on them.
• Embrace patience.
• Or its cousin, stubbornness.
• Write through the block.
• Write without fear.
• Go to the bookstore – the cathedral of books.  And pray.
• Become part of a writing community.
• Writers write.

I could go on and on. If I could transcribe Adriana Trigiani and Tayari Jones’s entire speeches I would.  But instead I’ll leave you with this…whether you’re a writer or not, I hope it resonates in some way:

“The energy you put out there is the energy you get back…Once you commit to lighting your passion, doors will open for you.” – T.J.

“You’re not defeated.  You just haven’t been found yet.  Persist.” – A.T.

You Say You Want a Resolution....

My horoscope is telling me to make a list of resolutions…to “instigate some long overdue changes”…and then go out and have fun tonight!

My hard J from two separate MBTI tests (taken a decade apart) is pushing me to make a resolution list, if only so I can cross things off and feel really great about myself.  Though of course if I don't cross anything off because I haven't done anything then I'm going to feel all bad about myself.  Such a Catch-22 being a J.  (Though a J being a J also means I can include something on the list I’ve already done so I get off on the right foot.)  

Truth is, I'm not really one for resolutions. They seem pointless and like big old expectations that aren't met. Sort of like New Year's itself. (I should mention this is not exactly a holiday I get particularly giddy about, though very happy to have the day off!)

And I really don't like those generic resolutions that make you feel bad about yourself.  None of this nonsense like “lose weight”…. “eat better”… “stress less”… “get organized”.  For one….these are way too vague….way too breakable…and all kind of imply that I’m doing a hell of a lot of things wrong.  Which is not to say I do everything right.  Far from it if you want to know the truth.  

But what I am is a list maker.  An obsessive writer-downer.  I love Post-Its and lined paper and all different color pens to make these lists even better.  Yup.  Cray-cray.  Party of one.  

So, I’m going towards the attainable….the doable….resolving to do things that will bring me some short term or long term happiness.   And while I wouldn’t torture anyone with the full list (and I'm not sure I’m ready to be *quite* that honest here, just yet...but there's a good resolution....resolve to be more honest when I write).  

So here’s some resolutions to get the ball rolling before it drops at midnight:

Make a list of resolutions.

Refinance.  I know.  Snooziest and most boring place to start.  But hello! lowest mortgage rates ever.  (And while this may make me sound frightfully dull this is my mature resolution right at the top.)

Get my money’s worth at the gym.  Membership isn’t free for me.  But if I don’t go it’s like I’m paying for dinner every month, but I never actually go.  Although skipping dinner would also minimize my need to go to the gym.  But I know working out shouldn’t be just about vanity.  But we all know it kind of is.  (And the whole getting healthy/stress relief thing that I also need to work on goes all hand-in-hand here.)

Commit to writing.  The blog (more entires this year than last, and upping it again in 2013).  FWOFB - get back to the NaNo novel I started.  In the notebook.  (Because thank you Lena Dunham for explaining why it’s not a journal.)

Shop my closet.  I have enough clothes. I need to stay out of the stores and shop in the House of Audrey.  My bank account needs the break!

Plan a trip.  A real vacation.  Preferably back on the other side of the Atlantic.  I stayed domestic in 2012 and it made me more than stir crazy.

Make and keep plans for dinners and drinks and nights out with great friends.

Write it down.  I have yet to learn that when I think of a great idea or line or title or anything that even though I think it’s so amazing that there is no way I could possibly forget it, a lot of the time I will.  So, this one is simple….write it down!

And so it goes.  And the list will go on, but for now, time to get the preparations started before the bucket list adventure of New Year’s in Times Square.  Or at least from a vantage point safely above the chaos.  Don’t get me wrong…I like to have fun as much as the next person, but there’s no way I’m standing in a cold crowd for 12 hours in 30-degree weather. 

So I’m starting the New Year with a new adventure.  Happy all around!!!!

(Chosen only because of the word "champagne".  Thought I did love this record when it came out.)