Pumping Vander

I’m slowly recovering from my NaNo writing hangover.   The good thing is my mind is spinning with ideas.  The bad thing is I definitely needed to give myself more than 24 hours to recover because my brain is also mush.  And I'm having a hard time typing.  Like I have paws for hands.  Or maybe the Advil PM is kicking in and I won't remember any of this in the morning.  Either way, this combo of uselessness  means it’s the perfect time to catch up on the DVR and I have never be happier about Bravo’s existence.

At this stage of the game I could take or leave Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Though let's be honest…I can't quit them, man.  

If I could be so bold as to call them storylines, would have to say Kyle’s is same old/same old (hot hubby, kids, squabbling with someone), Kim is a little dry for me (pun intended) and she’s got a really scary dog (I like her better on Watch What Happens), Yolanda just irks me with her juice cleanses and her overall ‘tude and Brandi…well….I’ve got nothing.  And she’s got no class.  But she did write a book and got a new big house which really sends my jealous rage into overdrive.  Another faux-leb with a book deal?!  Dammit.  And what is Lisa thinking hanging with her?  Oh, wait, she learned that Brandi is bad news.  The episode just hasn’t aired yet.

And then there’s the new girls. Who of course are similar looking but there's no chance we'll mix these two ladies up. 

We’ve got Joyce.  Oops…sorry…dozed off just typing her name.  And I also have tha bad name-association because I grew up with a girl and her German Shepard's name was Joyce so there's that.  Sorry BJ Joyce.  I just don't think I could like you even if I wanted to.

And then there's Carlton.  She’s apparently there to shake things up.  She’s the f-bombing mom, who’s also a Wicca and has a house that looks like a church and is a’ok with Brandi dropping the c-word (and I don’t mean ‘candy’) and apparently they made out.  (Who?!  What?!).  Yet oddly when snoozy Von Joyce (she won a beauty pageant at some stage) talked about her hubby's package, Carlton was offended over how classless Joyce was.  Huh?  You can laugh about see you next Tuesday all the live long day, but Joyce talking about how hot she thinks her hubby is, is inappropriate?  Oh and she gives her cat acupuncture.  Good Lord.  I can’t deal with her.

So I pretty much blitz through RHOBH to get the good stuff.  And I’m gonna be honest.  My Vander is so pumping right now!  To the point that I can’t even contain myself.  So why wait? 

It’s been a year in filming time since the last season ended.  And isn’t it great to see everyone is still working at SUR, hating on each other and getting drunk and having fights.  Wasn’t it so fun to be in our twenties?   

So here goes.  And bee-tee-dubs not even hate-watching Vanderpump Rules anymore.   All love.

• Jax is back at SUR.  Stassi is still being the biggest B in town to him.  And he keeps coming back for more.   Grow a pair dude.  Last we saw you, you admitted your name and pretty much your whole life was a lie.  And yet this people take you back.  And despite all that Jax has managed to outdo himself by being even more preposterous than before.  While chilling at the tat parlor to get his tribal tat covered with some fish/flower/something giant (because Princess Stassi would never date a guy with tribal tat), he got a “Stassi” tattoo.  Because that will help win her back.  Bad enough to get a current gf’s name tattooed on your body (i.e. kiss of death).  But an already ex’s name?  #youreatotaldbag
• It was tough last year that there were two boyfriends named Tom with little to distinguish them in my mind.  Tougher still?  They are both back.  Lucky for us viewers rockstar Tom (the one with all the hair mousse and flat iron) is getting lots of screen time since he cheated on Kristen and that’s all anyone can talk about when his name comes up.  I’m not defending his cheating, but man this guy is taking a beating.
• Which brings me to the fact that Tom and Kristin are still together in some weird roommate relationship sitch.  I realize we see about 10% of what gets filmed but I’m thinking if I spent all of my time crying and fighting with someone who cheated on me with a stranger in Vegas, then I’d probably want out.  (Or at least my no longer 20something self would.)  
• Any time Kristin’s not fighting with Tom she’s fighting with her friends about him because it’s ALL THESE GIRLS TALK ABOUT.  #getalife  Man up, someone (anyone!), and end the torture of this fauxlationship.  Kristin seems to live to torture Tom.  I get it…he cheated on you and it sucked.  Royally.  But either forgive him and move forward. Or don’t and move out.  But don’t complain about the situation you’re in when you have total control over your choice to stay or go.  End scene.
• The fact that Katie (aka the other girl from Season 1) has now dyed her hair an offending shade of orange which eventually becomes a horrid blonde has served the wonderful purpose of making me realize 1) she isn’t Kristin and 2) she exists.  She has
  
  also managed to draw crazy attention to her giant dark eyebrows.  I’m not an advocate of plucking them into oblivion, but they kind of look like they were drawn on with a jumbo black magic marker. Katie – a word of advice from a been-there-done-that-brunette-who-went-blonde.  Not a good look.  Oh, and your burlesque dancing….also not a good look.
• Scheana got a SUR bestie so maybe she has a small chance of not getting totally slaughtered at work every day.  This chick Arianna from Lisa’s other restaurant is there to bartend and hang out with her other bestie Tom…you know Kristin’s cheater bf.  Just a matter of time before that whole triangle thing implodes.  Bring it.
• Stassi’s mom.  There is something about a middle-aged woman trying to fit in with her daughter and her friends by downing tequila shots and wanting to hunker down for girl talk that just reeks of pathetic and painful.  Nothing screams desperate like trying to get your fifteen minutes of fame off your crazy train daughter. It actually physically hurts.  You might want to give Dina Lohan a call now and save yourself a lot of time.
• Scheana had an apparently debilitating oral surgery.  And sprains her ankle.  And then shows up in the biggest eyeglasses I’ve seen since Urkle with some phantom eye injury, which in a later episode makes her fear getting her make-up done for a SUR party.  Huh?  How?  Someone please keep this nonsense coming. 
• When Katie and Scheana’s boyfriends get into fisticuffs at Scheana and Pandora’s birthday party I actually started to laugh.  And they were fighting about the fact that the girls were fighting.  So ridic.  Surprisingly Jax didn’t pull his shirt off to be a part of the fight (apparently so last season).  Still brilliant TV. 
• More brilliant?  Pandora and her adorbs hubby (hello, Jason!) left the party
  
  early since it was so juvenile and petty and bitchy.  She’s total mini-Lisa.  I hope she gets more screen time this year. I’d also like to be her friend and get to write for her online magazine.  Why don’t my friends have online magazines?  Grrrr.  Argh.
• There’s also another new face from SUR that entered the scene.  I don’t know her name, but it isn’t really important.  She’s not a lead player. She’s just there to fill the fourth seat with Stassi, Kristin and not-Kristin-I’m-Katie,  get drunk and talk some smack.  Welcome to the jungle.  I’m sure she will either be skewered by Stassi or Scheana at some point this season.  Every mean girl group needs the sacrificial lamb.
• Uh…Stassi and Kristen do a wardrobe styling for their passport photo.  OMFG.  The last time Kristen styled herself this much was for her mugshot.  Not even kidding.  She says it the way a normal person might mention they have to go get their laundry from the dryer.  It was almost as causal as Jax telling the dudes he might have breast cancer.  Yes.  That is in all seriousness too.  Test results to come next week…..

This season has seriously been so entertaining I almost stopped longing for the crazy train recovering meth addict who Jax rebounded with post-Stassi.  Wouldn’t she make for a great cameo?

Fingers are crossed for next week.  

And oh…PS- they are still filming the show so you know there’s lots of juicy goodness to come.  Thank you, Andy Cohen.  This spinoff is true genius.  As are you.

So bad it's good.....the magic of real-crapity TV!

After a whole season of OC Housewives and a three-part reunion, I must admit it was all worth it.  I can’t possibly capture a whole season in one post, but as always they saved the best for last which made all hours I devoted to this show so very worth it:

Andy Cohen’s saddle shoes.  Just when I thought he couldn’t get any better. 

Brianna verbally kicking the crap out of Brooks.  She annihilated him with words and left him blubbering and stumbling and tripping over his words.  Creeper.  Freaker.  I’m 100% Team Brianna on this one.  Finally someone calling him out on two years of what everyone else wanted to say.  I can't bring myself to go into gross detail. Favorite line – “he’s the only ‘ick’ in my life!”. 

And then Vicky and Brooks break up in the lamest way.  On national TV.  He loves her enough to let her go.  Huh? What?  Maybe if he loved her he wouldn’t treat her daughter like crap and lie and disrespect her family.  Can we roll Michael out to chime in on this?  Where did he go?  Does anyone want to take bets on the return of Don?

Brooks who?  We heart booze!

And PS – if the love of my life dumped me on a couch….while being filmed….in front of all of my friends….for a reality show reunion….I’d probably melt into a pool of my own tears and then crawl off stage to die.  I mean I know we’re watching a reality show here, but I’m starting to think some of this stuff is staged….

Love that Tamra can’t get far enough away from Brooks on the couch and looks so uncomfortably horrified.  She needs the holy water from her bachelorette party that Heather was spraying on the strippers in Cabo.

Andy calling Gretchen out on not being able to pronounce “something”.  In Planet Gretchen it’s pronounced “sunting”. 

Lydia explaining that the reason she doesn’t do her own laundry is not because she doesn’t know how, but because she doesn’t have to.  Bravo!  (no pun intended)  There are many days when I wish I had someone else to do my laundry.  But then I realize I would skeeve having a stranger touch my stuff.  Or possibly even having someone I do know touch my stuff.  Except my mom.  Just being honest.

Alexis claims poor editing made her hubby look like a d. bag.  I'm sure he's really quite funny and supportive when no one is looking.  And not name-dropping or bragging about the price of his scarf.  Or perhaps it was your bully-inspired Xanax scrip that makes him seem less d. baggy.  I get it.  The world is a much happier place when Xanax is involved.

Andy’s facial expressions throughout the entire show.  I cannot get enough of him.  He’s such a riot.  And unrelated to RH, but Gaga is going to be on WWHL in a few weeks.  So ahh-may-zing!!

Lydia's final thought is she feels like she's been punched in the head.  And that's a wrap.

And then there’s this…..

City Girl Diaries continues to be the best-worst show on TV right now.  If that term is confusing you it’s easy….it’s the worst show I’ve watched in a long time and I can’t stop watching it which makes it the best.

How do you know it’s the worst?  Style moved their airtime from Sunday at 9 p.m. to Sunday at 12 midnight.  One small push into cancellation if you ask me.  Or perhaps they are targeting a west coast crowd?  Or perhaps it’s just good-bad.  And here’s why:

Aspiring fashion designer, Leila can’t seem to get it together. She’s just like a lot A.D.D.  So when she thinks she *might* be pregnant everything goes to hell.  She just can’t concentrate because she’s like so stressed over her maybe being preggers.  You know a good way to find out?  TAKE A TEST!  But she’d rather not and just confide in a few strategic people like her live-in BF and one of her besties (with the two moms…yeah, that happened too) and oh, the PR guy managing her maybe-career.  The PR guy that she essentially had to beg to take her back after he canned her ass years ago because she was essentially an entitled brat. Let’s see…he already thinks you’re an unfocused, unreliable, possible waste of time.  So why not miss your first deadline with him and cry and tell him you *might* be pregnant? 

Again.  Take the test.  It’s kind of easy.  Just ask Clear Blue.  Just saying.  You might want to at least rack up a false positive before you start telling people you’re worried you’re preggers.

And one last thing – if you can’t come to terms with taking the test after four weeks of waiting there’s probably some other issues you need to deal with.  Meet my friend Dee Nyle.

In the most brilliant reality show cameo that I’ve seen in a long time, the girls have a Hamptons trip and stay at the house of none other than Devorah Rose of Social Life Magazine.  If you don’t know who she is:

1. Shame on you
2. Real Housewives of NY – Season 1.  She put Bethenny on the cover and whined her way through an episode.
3. NYC Prep – she crept all over PC when he was all of 18 and she needed TV time.  Is it
   
   just me or is needing to hang out with a high schooler when you’re in your 30s in an effort to social climb just total nonsense?
4. High Society - that little train wreck known as the crappy Tinsley Mortimer reality show
5. Fashionista Diaries - Another Style network stroke of genius that needs to come back.  It's so 2007 but still....so great.

Her screen time was short, but nice to see she’s still in circulation.

Then there’s Leigh, the PR chick with ‘tude who lives in Brooklyn with her baby and her Baby Daddy and his extremely scary dog.  They have a tiny apartment and fight all the time but B. Daddy decides a house in Jersey where the dog can run free and they don’t have to look at each other 24/7 will solve all their problems.  Sure.  Might as well crank out another kid while you’re at it.

So (shocker!) they find a house in New Jersey and (shocker Part II) Leigh loves/hates it.  (You can see why she’s on the best/worst show now, right?)  B. Daddy is all in.  Leigh is skeptical.  It’s a long commute from Jersey to NYC for drinks with the girls.  But c’mon Leigh.  Don’t you see what opportunity might come a’knockin?  You are one backyard wedding away from being eligible for Real Houswives of NJ.  In case you haven’t heard, there might be a vacancy soon since a certain someone-someone might be heading to the big house.  And newsflash.  Jersey Housewives are also on Sunday night.  At 9 p.m.  On Bravo.  Upgrade!

Back in the Hamptons, Possibly Pregger’s bestie gets drunk and tells the rest of the girls that Leila is four weeks late.  Gasp!  What?  None of them can believe.  But then they get over it and get hammered and two of them get nearly naked and jump into the pool together.  Oh, good lord!  It’s not the Real World Hawaii.  You’re in your late 30s for crissakes.  Stop it.

The next night Possibly Preggers shows up at the Hamptons party and promptly knocks back some champagne while the other women awkwardly look on until one of them slurs “you’re pregnant, right?”.  Yeah, not so much.  She puts on a good front of being super bummed about it but in the next confessional she admits she’s totes relieved and maybe if she like got married she’d be more open to being knocked up.  Her live in BF seems more interested in having a kid.  One look at this meathead and he also looks like the kind of guy who might not understand how to use Velcro, but I don’t want judge.

My brain needs a desperate dose of something good.  Time to catch up on Pretty Little Liars…..

  

Fab Five Friday. And we’re back!

Same story.  Different month.

I haven’t written in ages. 

Got sucked so deep into the black hellhole of work.  Then had an absolutely amazing, perfect, fun, much-needed girls trip to Paris.  In some ways, in the best ways, it was like college – staying up late drinking and talking about anything and everything, listening to music and just having the kind of great time with your best friends that living along doesn’t allow for.  But unlike college, the wine and alcohol were better, as were the accommodations and the shopping budgets.  Happy to contribute to the Parisian economy!

And now I’m in the post-vacation depression where I have to pretend to really, really love my job, so they let me keep it.  But I’m also trying to straddle that line of getting my job done without working 70-hour weeks.  Things on paper are not as easy as they appear. But come hell or high water I’m going to try my damndest to work to live not live to work.

So there’s that. 

But it’s also Friday and here are the Five Fab things I’m obsessed with:

1.  Real Housewives is over and the reunion is on!

This season had a lot of switching alliances and while NY managed to dethrone Queen Zarin, Vicki continues to rise from the ashes/shame of dating a d. bag like Brooks.  She is the longest running housewife so more power to her.  And I have respect for the fact that she’s her own breadwinner and runs a successful business, but good God can that woman go from zero to scary, over-the-top, eyes-and-veins-bulging everything in no time flat.  Her high pitch scream scares the crap out of me.  And there seemed to be A LOT of screaming this season. 

Also, her bacon vodka? Not kitchy.  Stupid.  You need to let that one go.  And PS – you peed on Tamra’s bed this year.  Maybe make a lemonade vodka and color it yellow as an ode to the pee.  That would have been funnier.

But let’s break it down.  Vicki and Tamra and once again besties and now they are exchanging friendship bracelets.  I’m sorry.  When did everyone go into the time machine that made them 12?  You’re both rich.  Buy each other a friggin Hermes cuff or something cool like that.

Gretchen is on the outs again, but this time she doesn’t seem to have a lifeline to call.  Other than Slade and the dogs, she’s a bit alone on Planet Gretchen with her Auto Tune and her constantly changing face.  Please stop.

I can’t even talk about Slade.  Throwing up in my mouth a little bit.

Something else I can’t talk about?  Two words.  Slade’s.  Brother.  Or as Gretchen calls him, “the swamp people version of Slade”.   I’m not saying she’s wrong. I’m just saying I wouldn’t have said it on camera when I was on a reality show. I’m sure everyone will be laughing at that horribly rude slam over turkey this Thanksgiving.  And by “sure” I mean I’m sure they all think you are the mean-girl, bully, Alexis said you were.

I really like Heather and Lydia. I’m not quite sure why they had that kerfuffle on Part I of the reunion.  Peace and fairy dust, ladies.  Lydia is pretty funny. I wasn’t so sure I would dig her at the beginning but she talks back to Slade and is a refreshing change to the group.

I also totally liked the return of Lauri. I don’t know if anything she said was true, but there’s definitely some bs in Vickiland and I feel like Lauri probably witnessed a lot in the early days and probably knows what she’s talking about.  Just saying.  And the fact that Brooks may or may not have been dating a young stripper.  Who? What?  More vomit in the mouth.

Parts II & III of the reunion only look to get more dramatic, interesting, spastic and angry.  I don’t remember which one of them said this in the preview, but “bring on the tears”. I couldn’t agree more.  And I really hope someone slaps Brooks.

I know.  Bowl of milk.  Table for one.  I’m a catty, catty bitch. 

2.  TheRealReal.com

If you like designer, vintage, consignment shopping this is the place.  I somehow managed to resist buying pre-Paris, because I just kept convincing myself I would spend all my money there.  But I actually exercised some level of restraint….*some*…but came home with one non-buyers remorse and am trying to buy my way to happiness again.

Yes, I know *things* don’t fill the void and that they’re just a temporary high. But it could be worse. I could be eating to fill the void.  So I’m opting to be poor with some great things vs. obese and not being able to fit out my front door, when what I should probably be doing is investing all this money in a good shrink.

But whatevs – you can’t take it with you.  What I can take with me is a fab red Louis bag, Hermes scarf and Stella dress.

3.  Holy Grail = Holy Greatness

I feel like I may have already mentioned this. Or maybe that was FB or tumblr.  Either way, I’m kind of obsessed with this song.  While I do feel like Jay Z just sort of phoned in his part (what’s with the MC Hammer and “you still alive.  Michael Jackson’s Thriller”.  It hurts.)

However, I do think Justin nailed it.  This guy can sing and perform like crazy.

And maybe it’s because I’ve been down this road once or ten times, but I think the Justin lyrics are genius. 

“And baby, it’s amazing I’m in this maze with you.

I just can’t crack your code.

One day you’re screaming you love me loud,

The next day you’re so cold.

One day you’re here. 

One day you’re there.

One day you care.

You’re so unfair.”

No body on the Mickey Mouse Club could have seen this coming.

The Jay Z part is growing on my but I always feel like a poseur singing along rapping along to him in the privacy of my own home.  I also feel extremely white girl. 

4.  Nailing It

One of the many great things about spending a week away with your girlfriends is you get to check out everyone else’s make-up and products.  And we are four girls who love a good mani/pedi. 

I’m the kind of girl who does her nails three times a week. Because I hate chips. Because I like the ritual.  Because I spy new colors and I just have to have them. 

One of the girls introduced my what she says is the best top coat on the market.  For anyone interested it’s Duri Super Fast Dry. I kid you not, her nails looked amazing for a week.  Apparently I’m the exception to the rule because my nails continue to get little chips, but they are super shiny and they dry crazy fast.  I dare say it might be better than the Sally Hansen super-fast-dry-in-the-red-bottle polish. 

And what fun is a topcoat without a great color to shine up? I currently crazy obsessed with Essie Stylenomics.  It’s a deep green that people might think is black, but I’m cool with that.  For those of you who feared the sparkle in the OPI James Bond colors, this is for you.  It’s genius!  And while I wear dark polish 24/365 this reminds me that fall is coming.

5.  The heat is off

I’m not mourning the end of summer.  I’m counting the days when fall rushes in.  The past few days have been in the 60s in the morning. I’ve actually been cold in my apartment at night (yes, I still run the a/c).  And I can walk to work without showing up a sweaty, curly-haired mess.

Fall shopping for sweaters and boots and layers is the best.  And I have my eye on a little something-something in the boot department. Just need to stop TheRealReal.com addiction for a bit.

And fall means the return of TV shows.  And leaves changing colors.  And crisp air.  And the best magazine month of the entire year. 

I’m gathering my September issues for what I hope is a great, lazy reading-a-thon.  With the windows open.  And the breeze blowing in.

Let’s hope I didn’t just jinx it!  If I did, sorry about that. Like I said, I’m kind of a bitch!