Little Bit of Gwen and a Little Revenge

So I had all these grand plans for my super rainy weekend – was going to catch up on my overloaded DVR.  Finally install my back-up drive that’s been collecting dust in the corner, so I don’t lose all my critical writing work (not that I’ve been working on The Legacy, despite my big-balling talk that I would get back to it).  I was going to return more stupid clothes that I bought because the ridiculous amount of shit in my closet is just never enough.  Going to do the laundry.  Clean.  Chip away at the magazine pile while chipping away at the DVR.  Relax.  Regroup.  And get out of the stress-cycle I’ve been in and get back to normal.  Whatever normal is of course.

Well….end of the weekend tally?  Did my laundry.  Cleaned the bathroom.  Watched some of the DVR in a bit of a half-assed way. And definitely relaxed in there.  (see Bliss massage)  There was also some stress, but as usual, blame the Libra inherent balance at work.

End.  Scene.

I’m kind of the queen of best-laid plans going wrong these days.  But the whole life, interrupted..well, that’s still happening.  So this is me dusting myself off and trying again.  Cue the Aaliyah music. 

So the DVR. I honestly am so far behind in almost everything I’m embarrassed for myself.  So don’t talk Mad Men or The Killing or Bethenny or Castle or Bones or Psych with me because I just can’t contribute.  It’s far easier to watch the crappier shows (RHOOC anyone?) since I can let it run while I’m getting dressed in the morning. 

But there are some shows I will do my best to stay up for and watch. 

I give you Revenge. 

Now in all fairness, while I did start watching the show on Wednesday night, I only made it about halfway through. I woke up around 2:30 a.m., still propped up in bed with my glasses on.  Yeah.  That’s a visual for you, isn’t it?  Meh.  I’m on an Imitrex kick, so sleep is usually imminent.  And I can live a headache-free existence again.  Score!

But I did finally watch the whole episode and SO DAMN GOOD! 

Now if you haven’t seen it, skip ahead…spoilers await you in the next few paragraphs.  As usual…you’re warned.  Here comes.  Last chance.  And here we go.  Well, what can I say?  Emily Thorne continues to be the coolest chick ever.  When she kicked the crap out of that guy in the last scene “This is for Jack.  And this is for Daniel.”…there’s a very good chance I let out a hoot!  And a holler! For all her bad-ass-ed-ness.  The wig.  The martial arts.  The revenge.  God, she’s cool!

On the flip side, I have to say, that I’m so not down with Jack.  I know I’m in the minority here, but seriously?!  His obsessive love for an 8 year-old girl he met for fifteen minutes some fifteen years ago just creeps me out. I can’t believe I’m alone in this. I just don’t get it.  (And, diehards, I know they knew each other for more than fifteen minutes.  What?  Fifteen days?)  Any-over-analyzing…I’m just not seeing it.  Team Daniel here.  All the way.  Who, poor thing, is under house arrest after his mother pays someone to kick the crap out of him in jail. Um, thanks mom.  And he’s ready to take the blame for Tyler’s murder is Victoria tries to frame Emily.  I’m really rooting for Daniel and Emily.  Hope she’s not totally going to screw with him. I mean, she did kick that guy’s ass for him (and Jack…I know).  Eventually she’ll have to choose – cannot wait to see how the writer’s deal with that one!

Now I’m also not getting Victoria’s sudden secret luv-ah from her past.  He just happens to show up in the same ghetto bar where Victoria (or Vicky or V, as this guy calls her) goes to pay off the guy who orchestrated Daniel’s ass kicking.  Say what?  How far into the past does this dude go?  And why does he still have a studio of paintings of Victoria?  Presumably this guy is pre-Conrad so, what?  Have you painted nothing new in 25 years?  Or he just keeps giant paintings of the one who got away all over his stereotypical, rough around the edges, studio.  You, my friend, should head to the Stowaway and meet Jack. He knows all about pining for chicks.  I just don’t get the point of this man. I thought David Clarke was Victoria’s one true love.  But now we’ve got this guy to contend with?  Can’t wait until Emily finds out about this tryst and exploits it! 

And have to save love, Love, LOVE Nolan.  Character and actor = brilliant. 

Dying for Wednesday to see what happens next.  Hope Charlotte doesn’t OD or something on Jack’s pills.  Which, I get fictional suspension of disbelief and all, but c’mon. Is this a bottomless bottle of pills or what?  She’s been milking them since she found out David Clarke was her father.  It’s the Mary Poppins pill bottle – she just keeps pulling more out.  Amazing that she’s stoned all the time from this one magic bottle.  The last time I got prescription painkillers was when I got my wisdom teeth out and doctor’s were still writing scrips for Oxycotin and if memory serves I got about 8 of them.  Not really enough to keep me loaded for weeks on end.  But no big – I’ll believe the girl who played the 13 year-old Jennifer Garner in 13 Going On 30 is a painkiller pill popper.  That’s what makes TV great. 

But one of the most compelling parts of this week’s episode was the opening voiceover. Now I’m a sucker for a good quote and a good voiceover can bring me to my knees (the ending of the pilot of Felicity totally jumps to mind….gives me chills).  Back to the present…I love how Revenge always has a theme (Chaos, Betrayal, Charade).  This week’s theme was Doubt and opened with this:

“Doubt is a disease.  It infects the mind creating a distrust of people’s motives and one’s own perceptions.  Doubt had the ability to call into question everything you’ve ever believed about someone.  And reinforce the darkest suspicions of our inner circles.”

It got me thinking about how doubt can totally creep in and take over.  How it can make a person second-guess the strength of her writing and her ideas (and by “someone” I of course mean me…figure that was pretty obvi).  But it’s so true…even when the doubt enters one part of our lives it can domino effect into all the others.  (This outfit doesn’t really look good.  Did I say the wrong thing in that meeting? I think I was too honest.  I wonder if he’ll ever call again, or if he just met someone he likes more.  If that agent doesn’t like my book, it must be awful so no one will want it.)

No Doubt = far better than regular Doubt

Ugh!  DOUBT is awful.  And it can make you take everything and everyone into question.  And if you’re drinking a cup of crazy, things can escalate something fierce.

And then there’s the whole benefit of the doubt – you give it to people.  Perhaps too soon.  Or too often.  And then they let you down.  But maybe you give them the benefit again (even though you know they don’t deserve it.)  And they don’t show up – physically or emotionally – as you hoped and then it’s like you’re doubting your own judgment. It’s just a vicious circle.

But what’s important…what I’m lucky enough to have good friends remind me of, is not to project my own fears and insecurities onto a situation.  To not doubt MYSELF.  Writing is subjective.  You cannot control how people respond to situations.  You cannot…or should not…always assume the worst.  Doubt can absolutely wreck havoc on your heart and mind when you let it.  And truth be told, it’s pretty easy for doubt to sneak in the back door when you aren’t looking.  For it to set up shop on your shoulder.  For it squat there for a while and whisper boatloads of bad things into you ear.  And sometimes, when the days are particularly dark, you (and me) may even invite doubt in. Like a vampire.  (Word to the wise…and lessons learned from seven years of Buffy…do not invite doubt or a vamp in.  But rocking out like Gwen?  Always acceptable.)

So yes, doubt is part of this crazy life we live in.  And it’s part of the process.  But as someone who has lost herself in doubt – questioned my decisions, not trusted my gut, hesitated – my advice is to squash the doubt.  To have faith in yourself.  To not let it infect your thoughts.  But if it does…when it does…make sure you have that friend you can call up who can shake some sense into you and remind you that sometimes the universe sends you exactly what you need. And that you should enjoy the moment and all it has to offer.

And with that, I will send you off with this - it's been a while since I've gone all Green Day, but this came on during the Shuffle mix while I was writing this and just reminded me how much I loved it:

 "My beating heart belongs to you." So wonderfully, simply said. 

iTunes Shuffle Shame!

I’ve been trying to sit down and write for a few weeks now and I’ve been coming up empty.  Okay I haven’t actually been sitting down all that much.  But I’ve been thinking about it.  It’s kind of been a crappy time.  One part writer’s block.  One part lack of motivation.  One part self-doubt.  Two really big parts raging sinus headaches and raging migraines.  Which of course means several parts of drugs just to sleep/breathe/function. And one part sheer distraction by the bullshit life threw my way.  (Is that too many parts?  Are there limits on how many parts I can huck into my kitchen sink of whining excuses?  I think not.)

Alas, I’ve become about 100% derailed.  Off track.  Off the rails.  Lots of train references go into this latest bucket of excuses.

So I attempted my no-fail writing techniques….first on a train….then in Central Park….iPod on shuffle and let the magic happen.  Well, I actually read a book on the train, which I never do because it usually puts me to sleep.  Not this time.  And in the park, I did some writing…more about what was going on with me me me and avoiding confronting the writing sitch.  I also got totally lost in people watching and my music and hating the guy who sat next to me on the bench and promptly put his dog on the bench next to me. Now I do not hate God’s creatures, but when said dog not only makes his way to about three inches away from me and then sneezes…I may experience some rage.  Not cool!  Dogs on the ground.  People on the bench.  Not for nothing, just because I don’t hate all creatures doesn’t mean I want to snuggle up with a stranger’s dog.  Or wipe dog sneeze off of me.  Shudder!

So it’s safe to say the sanctuary of the in-the-park writing got a little shattered there.  Which brings me to today.  Forcing my ass into the chair and literally spending a good 30 minutes Internet window shopping and reorganizing my Netflix cue, with the curser blinking on a blank page somewhere in the background.

And then it dawned on me that there’s another no-fail trick up my writing sleeve…. the iTunes Library shuffle effect.  Listen to music.  Will be inspired.  It always works.  If I listen to it, the muse will come, right?

Well, not so much.

Tonight has been a moderately depressing, somewhat embarrassing look into the music in my library.  I swear I don’t know how some of this stuff landed there.  Gremlins in the night.  Or maybe some drunk downloading.  Or perhaps, just perhaps, the same way I like crappy TV shows, I also like some craptastic music.  (That I also know all the lyrics to.  Oh, the shame!)  But the medley that’s singing through my laptop is kind of making me wonder…am I always in a funk when I download music? Or am I just so off-the-wall happy sometimes that I can’t even hear the sadness in some songs?  Good God, what is up with me?!

So lest you think I jest (bad rhyming….I am SO OFF MY WRITING GAME!), here’s the next 20 songs that Shuffle is bringing into my life tonight:

1. Harder To Breathe – Maroon 5  (Something 
2. inherently hot about this song.  Just me?  Don't believe that for a second.)
3. Landslide – as covered by The Dixie Chicks (couldn’t have been Smashing Pumpkins or Gwyneth on Glee or even the original. Nope.  Had to be this one.)
4. Do You Want to Touch Me – Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
5. A Place for Me – Alissa Moreno (I don’t even know what this song is from.  So I Googled it….it was featured in The Hills.  Of course it was!)
6. Tell That Girl To Shut Up – Tina & the Total Babes (a cover of the fabulous 80s song by Transvision Vamp)
7. Too Shy – Kajagoogoo (one-hittiest wonder!)
8. God Is a DJ – Pink (best when played while running on a treadmill)
9. Those You’ve Known – Spring Awakening (epically depressing near finale)
10. Somewhere – West Side Story (and another depressing Broadway hit!)
11. Story of a Girl – Nine Days (fairly certain this is a I-heard-this-in-Dawson’s-Creek-and-I-loved-it download)
12. Not Enough Time – INXS (this song is kind of delicious)
13. How Do You Talk to an Angel? – Cast of The Heights (seriously?!?!  SERIOUSLY??!?)
14. So Long – Guster (So many great Guster songs I my library.  Bit on the sad side, but that’s kind of the theme, so cheers!)
15. Gardenia – Mandy Moore (do not be quick to judge.  This is a damn good song.  Sad as all hell.  Relatably achy.)
16. Right Through You – Alanis Morissette
17. The Look of Love – ABC (Eighties.  Enough said.)
18. I Get a Kick Out of You – Sutton Foster from Anything Goes 2011 Broadway Cast.  (Cole Porter is a genius.)
19. Underneath It All – No Doubt (“You’re really lovely underneath it all.  You want to  love me underneath it all.  I’m really lucky underneath it all.”)
20. Rip Her To Shreds – Blondie (Classic!)
21. Suddenly – The Bogmen  (I haven’t listened to this song in forever. Such a good find right now.  So happy to rediscover. If you don’t know it….do not delay…..)

The Bogmen greatness aside, I must confront the shame-iest of shames.  


So, I’m not sure what’s worse – that the shuffle feature has brought “How Do You Talk To An Angel?” back into my life or that I even have this horrific song in my iTunes library.  On purpose.  I didn’t even watch The Heights, but I’m sure I thought Jamie Walters was oh-so-dreamy.  Holy crap!  This song is epically bad.  Not that I doubted it…but somehow I managed to forget it.  Ugh.  My saving grace is I hit the forward button after the first chorus. NEXT!  (I know that was probably 60 seconds too long.)  My secret shame.  I didn’t delete it from my library because I just KNOW that at some stage I’m going to want this song for something and am going to kick myself for deleting it.  Must be a Limewire thing.  There’s no way I got this baby off iTunes!

And for my grand finale…..a little bit of Pixies and Here Comes Your Man.  Such a  tremendous song.  It came over the speakers at the bar on Friday night.  Such a good night.  Perfect little moment.  This song will keep me smiling for the foreseeable future!  

Riding the Wave

I’ve been having these very vivid dreams lately, which is weird considering I haven’t been sleeping very well these days, unless I pop some Advil PM or Benadryl.  But seeing as how Benadryl turned up in a certain autopsy kind of gives me pause.  Then again I’m not chasing it with coke, so I’m thinking I’ll be okay. (Too soon?  Sorry.) 

With friends like these.....

So back to me…this week my routine has been to wake up around 3ish and then on goes the TV to try to drown out all the noise in my head.  Season 2 of Lipstick Jungle is now streaming on Netflix so that’s been my go to.  This also means that if I have the good fortune to drift back off to sleep, my dreams are dotted with Lindsay Price, cool fashion and Kirby Atwood.  So that’s not so bad.  And it beats the chase dreams or the ones where I seem to constantly be waiting for a train or riding on a train.  That’s a recurring one.  But the proof is in the pudding that things are off with me…even in my dreams.  Kirby is in the show for eye candy…presumably in my dreams for eye candy…yet in my dreams he’s just my friend and not the romantic lead.  Seriously?  I did have the good fortune of seeing him live and in color from about a foot away at Fashion Week a few years back.  Just as handsome in real life.  And of course thinner and shorter than he looks on TV.  Alas, I will crush away and hope my dreams with him turn around.

But moving on…I also managed to have a totally disturbing dream, which is much more indicative of my life these days.  So of course I hit the dream dictionary to figure it all out.  The context of the dream is not all that important – I was at some random party on the beach and there were people from high school mixed with TV characters mixed with people I don’t even know.  I was wandering around on the beach looking for someone and I started heading into the ocean. And then the big waves started coming so I was running in the other direction to escape and they were like these big, dark, muddy waves and they were starting to take me down.

What’s it all mean?

        Waves:

To dream that you are caught in a tidal wave represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. (I have to chime in…that interpretation pretty much blows.)  You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. You may be holding back tears that you are afraid to express in your waking life. (Oh, Christ!  It gets worse.) On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits.  (And then the glass is half full!)  If you are carried away by the tidal wave, then it means that you are ready to make a brand new start in a new place.

To see muddy, violent waves in your dream indicate a fatal error in an important decision.  (And the glass isn’t just half empty…there’s not a drop left in it.  WTF?)

Ocean: 

To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal. Alternatively, the dream means that you are feeling empowered and unhindered. You have a positive outlook in life and are not limited by anything. If the ocean is rough, then the dream represents some emotional turmoil. You are doing your best to handle life's ups and downs.

Emotional turmoil! TURMOIL?  Awesome.  As if Mercury in retrograde isn’t bad enough.  And bee-tee-dubs, I’m blaming good old Mercury for everything craptastic right about now.  And what better way to say it than with a song? 

So according to my dreams, my reality...kind of biting.  At least in my dream I escaped the waves.  Last summer…not so much.

Now in all fairness I have to go back even further to give this some context. Somewhere around the age of five or six we were on a family vacay in Montauk and I pretty much almost got sucked up by wave and into the ocean.  Typical me, clueless to what’s going on around me, I was playing in the sand with my sister. Cue the giant wave, which went over our heads and started to drag us down the beach.  Water and sand everywhere.  Dad grabbing our arms so we didn’t go all the way in.  No doubt this childhood trauma is why I’m not a fan of swimming in the ocean.  Give this girl a pool!

Fast forward to last summer and a fabulous vacation in Portugal.  It was BEYOND hot forcing even me to get in the water, which not for nothing so was damn cold.  Not Jones Beach/Cape Cod cold, but cold considering it was 90something degrees.   Now no matter the temp, I don’t go underwater in the ocean (see above) so had my sunglasses on, and chilled out in the water for a bit…no pun intended.  

The deceptive calm before the crazy.

And then the waves started to come in.  Considering I can barely chew gum and walk without tripping, having to jump when the waves come so I could ride them rather than let them have their way with me was a bit more than I could handle. I know when I’m out of my league, so I decide to head in. 

Now my friends, who I’ll call Frank and Jose Kitty (because those are actually their names) who are very brave ladies, who willing go under water and do things like jump off the rock pier, got quite the kick out of what happened next.  I did my best to walk through the sand, against the water, while keeping an eye on the waves coming up behind me.  You know what’s coming.  I didn’t.

Wave + Me = Knocked-Me-Off-My-Feet-In-a-Truly-Graceless-and-Shameful-Fashion

I got a mouthful of salt water.   A good chunk of sand in my suit.  And I decent dose of embarassment.  Damn you ocean!!!!

When I finally got to my feet Frank and Jose K. were laughing their asses off.  I’m sure it looked hysterical from their vantage point.  I fought the ocean and I lost.  And the cherry on top is I flashed not one, but two boobs to everyone on the beach when I finally found my footing and got out of the water.  It being Europe no one cared.  In fact, I think the fact that my bathing suit bottoms were not a thong is what garnered the strange looks.   Going topless, whether intentional or not, was literally just another day at the beach.  But the silver lining – even though I went completely underwater…didn’t lose the sunglasses.  Total Win!

And then karma worked it’s magic. 

When Frank and Jose K. tried to make their way to shore, I saw the wave coming up behind them, almost in slow motion.  Like I was watching a movie.  And holy crap if that thing did knock them down and drag them sideways.  And just when they thought it was safe to get up – BAM! – another wave came and made sure they went down again.  Talk about getting the last laugh.

Now before you go thinking I’m as big of a bitch as karma is - (well, okay, yes, I can be…but not always) – my friends were totally fine.  And they were pretty much laughing as hard as I was.  Up until that point, probably the funniest thing that happened on that trip and my only regret is I didn’t have my camera to film it.  It’s actually making me laugh right now and I’m guessing when they read this they’ll crack up over it too.  That’s a sign of some great ladies! 

For the record…just reinforces my fear of the ocean.  And while it has nothing to do with why I’m dreaming about the waves of hell, I’m a fan of tying everything together.  So, voila!

And since I’ve wasted so much time watching Lipstick Jungle I have two episodes of Mad Men to see before tomorrow night’s premier.  And about ten other things to do because that’s the way life is.  But for now, I’m going to crack in the new Kate White (FINALLY!).  Happily re-inspired to be writing (Great Mystery here I come!) so hopefully the mental waves won’t keep knocking me down.  And if they do…wait for it…I’ll just pick myself up, knock off the sand, put my boobs back in my shirt and keep moving forward.

And just when I couldn’t get any more cheesy:

 "Somebody told me that this is the place, where everything's better and everything's safe."

Simon Le Bon In a Pirate Shirt....

I’ve spent the past week doing a lot of things, but sadly working on The Legacy has not been one of them. I've been reading about writing, but I  know, I know...WRITERS WRITE.  

I can procrastinate with the best of them and sometimes life just takes over.  No excuses (other than the one I just gave).  But I'm thinking new week -- clean slate.

I’ve had plenty to keep me distracted from my writing so in yet another ode to Andy Cohen, these are the things I’m obsessed with this week.

(Now I know I’ve played this song before.  Just think of it like another Inside the Actor’s Studio when James Lipton does his list of questions at the end…and for the record, one of least favorite words?  Moist.  Ugh.  Makes me cringe.)

#1:  Netflix streaming + Apple TV = one very.  happy.  girl. 

#2:  Mad Men:

Now I know I’ve gone on and on about a lot of TV shows here, and some of them may not be the best of the best.  (I’m looking at you One Tree Hill. And my eyes are burning.)  But I do actually have some good taste too.  What can I say?  I’m a Libra.  I need to balance everything out.

But Mad Men has been off the air for seventeen months and my blog has been on the air for fifteen, so while I could certainly have talked about it in the abstract, it’s going to be far more interesting to talk about it in real time.  I’ve been brushing up on my Season 4 episodes (thank you, Netflix) because I honestly don’t really remember how things ended in any true detail.  I cheated and started midway through the season – I couldn’t bear to watch Don Draper’s epic drunken, slutastic descent to rock bottom yet another time, so I started with “The Suitcase” which is by far one of the best episodes and love Peggy in this one.  Especially when she quite simply asks Don, “how long are you going to carry on like this?”

Season 4 is all uphill from there and after watching Like Crazy on Saturday, I was in dire need of something to laugh about.  (Side note – if you haven’t seen this movie, it’s good in an I’m-in-the-mood-for-something-indie-and-real-lifeish.  But be warned, it should have been called Like Crazy DEPRESSING.  Not even kidding a little.)  So for comic relief I literally laughed until there were tears in my eyes over the episode “The Beautiful Girls” when Don’s secretary, Mrs. Blakenship, dies at her desk.  The name alone is genius.  Her death and the aftermath are by far one of the funniest five minutes in Mad Men’s amazing history.  Brilliant!

I’m so so so excited for Sunday night.  Cannot wait to see what Matthew Weiner comes up with next.  Been a long time coming.

#3:  The Next Bailey Weggins Mystery:

Kate White's “So Pretty It Hurts” comes out tomorrow and I can’t wait. I’ve been reading the last Bailey Wiggins mystery to refresh my memory (do you see a theme here?).  But it came out in 2007.  I can’t remember everything!  Sadly it’s taken me longer than I hoped to read since mixing a Benadryl cocktail before bedroom almost always guarantees I won’t make it past 10 pages a night.  That won’t stop me from buying the new book and jumping right in after I finish the last 90 pages of this book.  Any excuse to hit up Barnes & Noble works for me!  All about supporting the bookstore so by the time I find an agent, physical books will still be getting printed.

#4:  Pretty Little Liars:

Judge if you wish.  Tonight is the big reveal on who A is and apparently is the most tweeted about show right now.  This show does twists so well, I’m not even sure where to begin guessing on who A is.  I do believe A is more than one person, but who those people are, I can’t quite tell.  I don’t think Mona was ballsy enough back when Ali was alive.  And I’m super suspect that Maya has something to do with it, but she moved to town after Ali disappeared so how will they connect those dots? 

I’m creeped out by the Melissa/Garrett coupledom, but that all seems a bit obvious given the clues in the past few weeks.  Have to believe that can’t be the answer.

All I know is I’m so bored to death with the Ezra storyline I kind of hope he gets arrested or run over by a car.  Seriously, Aria – go hang out with Jason.  Far more interesting storyline!

But come 8 p.m. I am locked in to find out!

#5:  The Music at the Gym:

I have a lot of love for Equinox for lots of reasons.  The extreme attention to cleaning and the fact that they are constantly updating equipment and replacing the floor mats are just some of the more obvious.  But one of the best parts of my beloved gym is the music.  There’s always a solid mix, to the point that I’m turning off my Shuffle to listen to what the Equinox DJ has cranking.  Green Day.  Fratellis.  Jet.  Ting Tings.  No Doubt. 

And then there’s always an 80s influence which I LOVE.  This morning didn’t disappoint when they dug this gem out of the archives.  Bra-vo!

Everything about this video is why videos from the early 80s will forever be the best.  The fact that John, Nick and Simon also got a 3-for-1 deal on their pirate shirts is just the cherry on top.  But no worries, Andy - I still love you the most.

Time to head to Rosewood. Anyone want to chime in on A's identity???