So bad it actually physically hurts

So I tuned into the VMAs last night for several reasons – JT, Gaga, the Red Carpet fashion and because I thought there might be something worth seeing in their over-hyped fabulous new Brooklyn location.  

Verdict?  Quite possibly the worst “award” show I’ve watched in years.  And yes I’m quoting the hell out of “award” because I think they gave out all of about 10 and 3 of them were on the Red Carpet.  It was pretty much a mish-mosh of generally crappy performances with bad comedy and stars with little star power in between.  

What happened to the days when legit stars in the music industry attended the big show and performed at it?  Apparently the went the way of MTV actually playing videos.  It doesn't happen.

So here's the breakdown....

The good:

Justin.  Justin.  Justin.  Quick NSYNC reunion.  Justin.  Jimmy Fallon.  Justin.

The okay:

Gaga.  Now in all fairness this woman kicked ass from the start and set her own bar so high I’m not sure she’ll ever replicate the lightning in a bottle success that was The Fame Monster.  Or this incredible performance:

Last night wasn’t my most favorite, but she’s still a totally cool lady who is doing great things for music and art and creativity and always keeps it interesting.  I will always tune in for her.

The bad:

Where do I start?

For one, I don’t know who anyone is anymore which makes me feel old as dirt.  I remember Sway (or Shea or Shashay…you know the guy).  And I know Jared Leto from the Jordan Catalano days (still epic).  And I know who Selena Gomez because the rock I live under isn’t that big.  But it kind of ended there with one major cherry on top.

Proof that the phrase “it’s so bad, it’s good” doesn’t always hold true.  In the case of Miley’s big night out it was a case of “it’s so bad, it’s horrendously awful.”

Now I know…I know…who the hell am I to be snarky and mean and make bitchy comments about her “performance”?  I’m the girl who’s still rinsing the vomit out her mouth from that train wreck.  I’ve earned the right to mock it.

Now for a little flashback moment - I remember well how genuinely horrified my mother was when we sat side-by-side during Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” performance back in the day.  I’m pretty sure my mom uttered the word “pig” 57 times during Madonna’s four

minutes roll and thrust and hump across the stage but I would still say Miley’s was far worse. And not just because I was so young and stupid back then that I didn’t get how inappropriate Madonna was.  Madonna was definitely risqué and provocative and a lot bit dirty.  And she certainly made a name for herself that night and embarked on an epic pop genius ride of reinvention and even more provocative performances and some good music (along with some bad).  But her performances were always well thought out and executed and never looked like a dirty frat party acid trip.

Miley?  Well…I’m ripe with questions and WTFs: 

• What’s with the tongue just hanging out?  I get the Gene Simmons thing.  It was his shtick.  I don’t get your tongue hanging out to the left with one eye closed.  You don’t look badass.  You look moronic.
• For the sake of teddy bears everywhere (and children everywhere) please stop exploiting stuffed animals for the sake of raunchy entertainment. It’s bad enough I have to dodge adults in Elmo and Cookie costumes every day. Leave the bears alone.  Is nothing sacred?
• There’s nothing remotely sexy, shocking or innovative about bending over with your ass in the air in a barely-there leotard and sneakers.  While still sticking your tongue out.  Twerking?  Is that what the cool kids are calling it?  (God, I feel old.) 
• Foam fingers are for sports arenas.  Not to be thrust between your legs.  Good lord!
• Stripping out of the barely-there to next-to-nothing was also unnecessary.
• Not sure why you were half-singing “Blurred Lines”, but having to watch you grind up on Robin Thicke was more uncomfortable than having to watch a sex scene in Girls.  Again, not sexy.  And you came dangerously close to ruining that song for me. 
• I get it.  You want to shatter the Disney image.  But take a lesson from Brit-Brit. If you’re going to trade the Mickey Mouse Club for the Strip Club you put on a good song and lip-sync a la “Oops I Did It Again” from the 2000 VMA’s.  People were shocked.  Brittany nailed it.  She may not be the Pop Princess anymore, but that performance certainly catapulted her there for a while.   And didn’t leave people wanting to drill needles into their eyes.  Or take a shower to wipe the ick-factor off.
• If you want to prove how different and unique and interesting and your own woman that you are, then why would you do the same stereotypical strip down and sexed up performance as so many talentless others opt for? If you want to be different….well, then, BE different.  This wasn’t creative artistic expression. This was unmitigated disaster. 

Time to take a page from the book of JT who moved gracefully from Disney to Boy Band to well-respected singer-dancer-artist-actor-entertainer-extraordinaire.   You can be racy

(see: wardrobe malfunction) and dirty (see:  Dick in a Box) and a little bit sexed up (see:  Sexy Back…and the Like I Love You video to name a few) and innovative (see:  NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” also at the 2000 VMA’s).  You can weather some controversy.  Get some people talking.  Not please all of the people all of the time (no one can).  And score yourself a Video Vanguard Award all by the age of 32. 

Yes, people are talking about Miley (hell, I’m writing about the girl) and maybe that was the simple goal all along.  But I’m going to go out a limb and say this is not good chatter.  This is Amanda Bynes/Beiber-going-crazy chatter.  I really wish I could un-see what I saw.

For now, will be trying to drown out the images with this: