Twofer Tuesday - Or A Dozen Reasons to Keep Pumping

So it was the season finale of Vanderpump Rules last night, which means it’s the last time I’m going to get to write about it.  Sigh. Until next week’s reunion of course.  And probably after I catch a rainy Sunday marathon and I feel the need to just chatterbox about the ridiculousness of it all.  And then I can only hope…pray…make wishes at 11:11…that there’s going to be a Season 2.  Bring it on Andy Cohen!

But until then I’ll just have to talk about last night.  

If you didn’t catch it then A) WTF?  Do you have something better to do on Monday nights?  And B) If you do then you could have DVR’d it and watched it this morning like a regular, resourceful, totally normal, not at all obsessive girl.  Stop judging me immediately and if you watched the ep or don’t fear some spoilers, read on…

So the episode started out a bit slow and snoozy and I was starting to get annoyed.  Finale are supposed to be built for drama.  Best for last.  You know the drill.  And then BAM! Here comes cray cray:

L-L gets all G.G.

1. Laura-Leigh quits. Because she booked a movie.  With Jennifer Aniston.  Huh?  What?  How?  Yet, this turns out to be totally legit.  Filmed the movie last fall with Jen A. and Ed Helms and Emma Roberts.  Comes out this summer.  And she graduated from Julliard. Not sure when she detoured to the dark place, but leaping from a waitress at Sur and sparring with Princess (yak) Stassi to a Jen Aniston movie.  O. M. G.
2. And speaking of O. M. G. L-L was in Season 2 of Gossip Girl as the chick who Chuck hired to pretend to date Dan to bring out the worst in Serena so she would dethrone Blair as the Queen Bee.  The mean girls poured a Nair cocktail on her and chunks of her hair came out.  You may not remember it (oh the shame), but it makes me like her a little more.  And then I remember she “dated” Jax.  Though she did a fabulous job tearing him apart after he started to ignore her and blow her off by de-friending her on Facebook.  LOL!  Coward. Party of one.
3. In the next scene Jax follows Stassi around like a puppy. He also follows her puppy around like a puppy.  I don’t like him, but I am embarrassed for him.  You know.  As a man.  (Him.  Man.  Me.  Pitying him not acting like a man.)
4. Then it gets a little snoozy again.  And then there’s a photo shoot for the staff at Lisa’s house.  (Huh?  What?  How? And seri….Why?).  And then Jax puts a sock down his bathing suit for more…ahem…flattering photos.  And swears it’s a “best kept secret of modeling”.  Sure, dude.  Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night.  The best-kept-secret party would have been better kept if you didn’t do it on camera.  But that’s the least of your worries, dude.
5. Then there’s another photo shoot at Sur.  What what?  Admittedly I’ve never worked at a restaurant, but to me…still seems odd.  But I’m going to chalk that up to Hollywood.
6. Everyone is besties with Scheana despite Stassi’s quest to make everyone hate her.  Even Stassi thinks she's pretty damn cool these days.  And even though Scheana was the dramatic bridge between Housewives and Vandy Pumping she was actually the least dramatic…and dare I say the least interesting of them all.  And that counts the two brunettes that I can’t really tell apart.
7. Token girl-on-girl kiss.  Worst staged moment and it looked completely awkward to say the least.  Snoooooooooooooze.
8. But then I wake up….Jax decides to go to a shrink in one of his steps to improve himself and show Stassi how worthy he is.  And we get a fabulous peak behind the curtain of this former model/current bartender, 33-year old dude who has kept us captivated all season. (If you can’t read my sarcasm in this, allow me to assure you….I am rolling my eyes and laughing my ass off while I type.)
9. Brace yourself for this one. Jax’s name isn’t really Jax.  (SHOCKING!)  It’s Jason. Which was cool enough for Priestly.  And Bateman.  And Bourne.  What up JAX?
10. What's up is that he's a compulsive liar.
11. And he did cheat on Stassi a few months ago and knock up the random chick in Vegas.  Did not in fact happen years ago, pre-Stassi.
12. And…you guessed it….HE LIED ABOUT IT.  TO EVERYONE.  Including his friends.  And his shrink.  And Lisa.  And Bravo during his confessional.  And to Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live! a few weeks back.  Though Stassi and Jax were back together again on that episode, so I’m not really sure how that happened…how he got away with lying…how Stassi took him back…since Vandy isn’t filmed in real time.  But no judgment.  (Lie.  Total judgment.)

And there you have it.  

So where do we go from here?  Like you don’t know.  Bravo Vandy Reunion next Monday.  I’m not sure what I’m more excited about…seeing it….or dissecting the hell out of it here.

And fear not….Vandy may be coming to an end (for now) but next week is the comeback of Rachel Zoe.  I'm lusting her necklace from this pic b-t-w.  And can't wait to see what she's wearing.  And who she's dressing.  And the fashion shows.  And celeb stuff.  And her funny, random phrases.  

Still not sure how I feel about Rodger's hair, but one thing at a time.

And RZ is followed by A Brad Brad World which I will admit annoyed me a touch the first season, but considering I made it through the whole Stassi/Jax/Frank/Laura-Leigh thing, then surely I can see what Brad is up to.  Plus he does have some funny one-liners. And I’m a sucker for the celebrity sighting.  Until then…..

Fab Five Friday - Wine & Vanderpumping the Blizzard

Any time there’s some big weather event I feel like meteorologists have their day in the spotlight.  Blizzards are the Super bowls of weather.  It’s Oscar night. It’s a Red Carpet walk over and over for Sam Champion and Bill Evans and Lee Goldberg.  This is their time.

And for days now all I’ve been hearing was about how at 2 a.m. this snow was coming to NYC and the disaster was on.  It’s 8:00 p.m. and there’s finally something sticking out there.  But up until now it’s been a rainy, snowy, annoyingly windy mix of blah!  I realize people are getting is crazy worse that me (good luck peeps!) and I’m not longing for 3 feet of snow or any such nonsense. 

But so far, NYC is a lot of hype.  A few more fire trucks than usual blazing by.  Less people on the street than usual (Win!  Win!). And I’m certainly getting my money’s worth on those new winter boots dammit!  Normal workday.  A crazy busy one at that.  By the time I got to the pizza lunch there was no pizza.  And then I got to go home and braved “the conditions”. 

So here’s the what. 

The most annoying part of the trek home was that a snowy/rainy mix makes for slippery and slushy sidewalks.  Which means I can’t walk down the street at the aggressively, obnoxiously fast pace that I’ve become accustomed to.  A pace that only gets worse when Green Day is blasting through my ears like it was on the 42^nd Street part of my trip.  And taxis and buses spray slushy, dirty mix all over the place when they drive by.

The most impressive part?  Cutting through Grand Central at 5:45 on a Friday without pushing and shoving my way through. I wish people bailed early every cold night.  Because this part of the trip kind of rocked.

And now I’m home for the count. Waiting for to the storm to come and looking for Five Fab things to do to survive a blizzard with the weakest name EVER!  (Who picks the names b-t-w?  A storm warning across multiple states kind of implies this bad boy in not something to be reckoned with.  But Nemo?  Really? I haven’t even seen that movie but I know it’s a cartoon fish.  What’s wrong with Zeus?  Or Bernardo like in West Side Story.  You didn’t want to mess with him.  Or Brutus?  Et to Brute?  I mean *that* works, no?

I need to rule the world.  Until then, I need to survive the blizzard and here’s my recommendation on how to make that happen:

#1 - Drink:

This kind of goes without saying.  Drinking is always a good idea.  (This makes it sound like I have a severe problem. I don’t. I just like to have fun.  Despite a “booze bag” moniker many years ago by a girl who kind of totally hated me.  Ah, frak it.  I like to drink.)

I am admittedly far less wild than I was in my misspent youth…aka my twenties.  Now it’s far more about quality than quantity.  But I still like my drinks and can still close down a bar.  When I want to.  But on a night like this all I wanted to do was come home and relax.

I did a drive-by of Duane Reade on the way home and while I stood on line with my carton of milk the girl on line next to me bought four packs of cigarettes.  In another time and place I could be that girl. But now I’m older and wiser.  And I'm smart enough to already have wine and vodka at home to sink a ship so I don’t need to head out into a blizzard to buy some.  

I’m already happily into the first bottle.  And good God have I needed this drink since about 10 a.m. Monday morning.  Bottoms up!  The only problem.  I also kind of want to take Advil PM for amazing, uninterrupted sleep.  My life is filled with these kind of Sophie's Choice moments.

#2 - Read.  In bed.  In the middle of the day.

When everyone from the meteorologists to the Mayor to my mother are telling me to stay safe and stay inside, I’m all over it.  I don’t carry much guilt about being self-indulgent. I work hard. I deserve it.  End of story.  But when people also tell me to be all indoorsy...well, okay!  Twist my arm.

One of my favorite indulgences is to get back into comfies and back into bed in the middle of the day to read a book.  And what better time to do this than when the weather outside if frightful?  Midday bed reading eventually leads to a nap because I’m human and I love to sleep and why the hell not? Isn’t that what blizzardy days are made for?  Me thinks so.

And right now I’m reading Jen Lancaster’s latest  - "Here I Go Again".  It’s another foray into fiction for her and askig the burning question, “Will karma catch up with that mean girl bitch from high school that made everyone’s life hell?”  Leave it to Jen Lancaster to craft a hysterical book full of snark, endless 80s references (like the Whitesnake song for a title) and a whole bunch of "I-can’t-believe-she-said-thats" and a whole bunch of "I-totally-relate-to-thats". 

I’m only a few chapters in, but hands down recommend it to anyone who is looking for something great to read.  And for anyone who appreciates great humor. 

#3 - Hate Watch Vanderpump Rules:

I wish I could say I was strong enough to resist Bravo’s latest and greatest in the world of reality TV. But I can’t. I am weak.  Powerless to all that Andy Cohen puts in front of me. 

And if you’ve been living under a rock or just have better things going on, then allow me to give you the premise – Lisa Vanderpump of RHOBH fame (British, witty, snarky, wears a lot of pink, always turns a funny phrase, says "bloody" a lot and can be delightfully filter-free) owns two bars/restaurants in Beverly Hills and this show follows the salacious and ridiculous lives of the staff at one of them - SUR.  It’s kind of like The Hills meets Real World meets anything Bravo churns out….on crack.  And it’s just as addictive. 

So here’s my advice…hunker down during the blizzard and OnDemand the hell out of this show.  You might hate how much you love it.  You will for sure hate the names of the characters real life bartenders and wait staff at SUR (Jax, Stassi, Scheana.  And then poor Laura-Leigh…the crying rebound with the Minnie Mouse voice).   There are also two brunettes that I can't tell apart.  But that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

They all want to be actors or singers or writers and some of them model to make money. I’m not sure what catalogues or magazines these people model for but they show some photo shoots that pain me.  One guy calls himself a "mactor" - a model and actor.  I mean are you fraking kidding me????  See?  SOOOOO good.

The guys fight for the love attention of the uber bitch of the group….and fighting in Vanderpump Rules involves ripping off their shirts in a Vegas parking lot in order to throw down.  There’s lying, crying, bitch fighting, bullying, epic drinking, endless f*bombs, horrible song and dance performances (oh...not even kidding) and so much high school nonsense that a girl just can’t turn away!

I have to believe it’s scripted because if it’s not I feel even worse about these people.  Watching this also makes me grateful that I’m not a 23 year old with a fake tan and horrendously cheesy hair and make-up trying to make it in L.A.  Not that I ever would be that girl, because for one, ghost-world-white is kind of my nature.  But trust me on this one….hate watch this while the snow is piling up outside.  You won’t regret it!

#4 - Get It Together:

Pulling together my tax paperwork so I can get me some money back.  Fold my laundry that’s been in a pile since Tuesday.  Clean the bathroom.  Vacuum.  Do yoga.  Empty the dishwasher.  eBay those clothes I keep talking about photographing and posting.  (Sold one shirt out of three last week.  Woohoo!)  Relist the other two shirts.

I’ve already trimmed my bangs and done the Clarisonic/face-moisturizing routine (which I do every night so that’s not so outrageous to do in a blizzard).  I think I’m good for the physical activity tonight.  Don’t want to run out of things to do this weekend.

#5 – Hibernate:

Along the lines of reading in bed during the day, but far less active.  Keep the shades closed.  Doze in-and-out of sleep all day.  Catch up on the DVR.  Try to find a movie on HBO or Showtime that actually interests me.  Marathon Girls.  Shut out the outside world.  Stay in pj’s.  Write.  (Though now I’m getting all active.)  Give in.  Let go.  Eyes closed.  Snooze.

And there you have it.

So when it comes to epic weather, not too much to talk about here in NYC.  This of course ensures that tomorrow will be a wall of white outside my window.  But when I realized there wouldn’t be an early exit from work due to the weather I prayed it would stay low key until I crossed the threshold into my building.  

So now, from the safety of my apartment I can go all balls to the wall - Bring it Nemo!   Show me what you’ve got! Just please don’t take my cable.  Or my power.  Because that would make for a really crappy blizzard weekend!  And that would ruin my wine buzz big time!  It make me feel so fine....

Manic Monday: No Laundry But I'll Always Have Paris

It’s not just Manic Monday here.  It’s more like Manic Weekday.  And I’m really, truly starting to believe that it may not end.  Not anytime soon.  Maybe not ever.  Which I know is crazy.  Everything comes to an end eventually, right?  Or at least they say all good things do.  “They”.  (Who are the ladies?  We are the ladies.)  So if all good things…then all bad things must come to an end. It’s the what goes up must come down.

Luckily I found some calm this weekend.  Much needed.  Long overdue.  Inhale.  Exhale.  TV.  DVR. FreeShowtimeandpaysforitselfHBObecauseGirlsisamazing.  And fun.  A nap.  Read up on the Writers Digest Conference in April.  Have to pull the trigger on that one.  Spent the weekend checking some things off the list.

What I didn’t do is the laundry.  Which is currently taunting me.  Haunting me.  But I don’t have the energy to go downstairs and face the fact that the machines might be taken.  And then I have to roll it all back up.  (Yes.  I have a folding, rolling cart.  People envy it.  I see people bring their laundry down in trash bags.  I mean not for nothing.  Respect your stuff, even when it’s dirty. 

What I really wish is that I didn’t have to roll it downstairs because I magically will have a washer/dryer in my apartment.  It doesn’t sound like the biggest wish list item…or maybe it’s big, but not the most popular…but it’s mine.  I also realize the reality of the situation.  That as long as I continue to live in NYC it will never happen for me.

It will fall into the list of things that will never happen for me.  (Probably.  Most likely.  Never ever.)  Like walking the Red Carpet in Chanel.  Climbing some major mountain.  (Though in all fairness I have no interest in that.)  Being on Oprah’s Next Chapter (which I’m watching only because Drew Barrymore is on it and she’s is by far one of the most amazing ladies out there.  And I would love to hang with her for a day because I feel like she’d be so damn cool.  Though that happening…probably also not going to happen for me.)  And chances are I won’t get to make out with Bradley Cooper.  And b-t-w that’s Bradley Cooper the actor.  Not just some guy named Bradley Cooper.  Which I feel the need to clarify because I met Mariano Rivero today.  But not the-greatest-closer-in-baseball.  The security guard on Park Avenue.  Who I asked if he got great dinner reservations over the phone.  He found zero humor in me. 

 

Moving on….I’m in procrastination mode.  I need to face the 20-page refinance document that’s awaiting me.  Which means a credit check. Which means I should pay my bills first so my secret shopping shame isn’t as blatant.

Manic Monday…beginning of Manic Weekday.  And so it begins…..

Work is hard.  Non-work life is hard.  But sometimes in that good way.  And where the reward for the hard work is in my hands.  Case in point.  Booked the tickets to Paris.  I don’t even have words for how excited I am for this trip.  Had a delicious first trip and have been ready to go back ever since.  And I’m going to obsess about it for months to come.  Consider yourselves warned!

Five Fabs on a Really Tired Friday

Brutal honesty.  I’m tired. 

It’s been a hell of a day.  A hell of a week. A hell of a month.  (January, that is.  I haven’t totally given up on February on the first day.)  I could go as far as a “hell of a few lot of months” but who isn’t tired and busy and somewhat overwhelmed and scatterboxed and feeling like there’s just not enough time in the day. 

Or maybe I’m feeling like this because free Showtime has sucked me into “I Don’t Know How She Does It”.  Which was said to be a pretty good book, but I have to say, not so much of a movie.  Cliché.  Underwhelming.  Kind of lame.  Missed boat.  And I’m suspect of a movie that can’t legit make it to 90 minutes.  And one that has the perfectly, perfect happy ending.  Yawn. I blame Pierce Brosnan.  And Sarah Shahi.  And Busy Phillips.  And Olivia Mumm.  But it could also be that I’m so damn tired….physically…mentally….emotional spent. 

And while I may not have much to give, I haven’t written in a while and that makes me sad because it is one of the few things I truly love, so here goes Fab Five Friday….the things I’m kind of obsessing about….the tired edition:

#1:

This is the best indication of how my life is going.  Spend freeze is still in place.  (Minus those DVF shoes from Ruelala.  But they were 50% off and I had a credit so they were like 70% off.  Does the word “duh” mean anything to anyone?)  But then a giant Gap offer and I always need basic tanks because I pretty much live in them.

Package arrived today. 

And instead of a good old white tank….

I got this….

Quality control has left the building.  Can’t wait to trot this into the store to return.  Or maybe I should just save them for a rainy day.  It’s like my own version of the Cinderella glass slipper.  LOL!

#2:

30 Rock is officially over.  Cannot wait to see what Tina Fey does next, but I’m going to miss this show.  So many funny lines.  It’s the end of an era.  Thank God Psych will be back in a few weeks.

And thanks for this last gem Liz Lemon:

“I was perfectly happy with what I had.   Eating night cheese and transitioning my pajamas into daywear.  You’re the one who told me to want more.”

#3:

Julianna Marguelis at the SAG Awards.  I’m a bit obsessed with her I realize.  The Good Wife is that and more. And I just think she’s looking amazing. 

#4:

The line that made “I Don’t Know Why….” worth it….Olivia Mumm’s – “If you sign an email or text “XO” you may as well sign it ‘I want you to enter me’.”

One of my friends at work said I post inappropriate updates on FB. I have to disagree.  I think I’m pretty mild mannered. Like I would never post this on there.  Though I kind of wanted to.

#5:

Not only was Sunday’s episode of Girls thirty more minutes of spectacular.  (Also beyond obsessed with Lena, as you may have already figured out.)

“You’re a really good dancer.”

“Thanks.  I know.”

And Hannah and Elijah dancing to this before it all went to hell:

End.  Scene.