Apparently, despite the fact that I feel like I don't have an ounce of free time to do all the thing I want to do...I should be doing...and blah blah blah (you know, things like lying to myself about not having enough time when the truth is I just procrastinate and dawdle away my free time to do things like the epically shameful watching of really crappy teen drama.)
But I do have some time on my hands. (Here comes the shame.) The thing is, I try to resist the teenage
drama. I swear. I try not to fall prey to it.
Sometimes I try harder than other times.
And then I don’t try at all. So
prey I fall. And fall and fall and fall.
And fall.
But lucky for all of us, after last night I can pick myself back up again. Because just like all good things must come to an end, so must
all bad things. And by bad, Duh!, I obviously totally mean *good*.
I proudly, shamefully give you the Series Finale of 90210.
Again.
So let's be honest here. There really was no need to mess with a classic. Sure it went the way of the preposterous and that's why it ended. Semi-happily-ever-after (except for Brandon and Brenda which is ironic given how they started it all). But letting that go, the CW needed a hit, so why not dust off an old favorite?
So there was a new class….a spinoff class….whatever you want to
call them….and after five years they are bidding adieu.
And how has it been 5 years you ask?
Don’t waste the brain energy. I can’t quite figure it out either, but it
was. And I’ve watched too many episodes
for my own good, which is part of the reason I couldn't resist the finale. Plus I like me some good old fashioned closure.
If you haven't tuned into this show, I'll give you a little background. Just like the original, the New 90210 was family friendlish and
cheesy with mom and dad from Minnesota (or wherever the do-over family was
from) moving to Bev Hills. Mom was resistant. The daughter was naive and just wanted to fit in and be liked and date the cool boy. The son worked at the Peach Pit (oh, the pain!!!!).
Though in
this incarnation grandma was rich.
“Brandon” was adopted. And African-American. Points for ethnicity. And
“Brenda”…uh, Annie, was also a wannabe actress and a little bit prissy. At first. But then Annie got all bad ass. She killed a guy in a drunk hit
and run after prom. Geez! And to think all those years ago critics went berserk at Brenda and Dylan’s prom. All
they did was have sex. Kind of tame compared to
MANSLAUGHTER!!!!
The new 90210 was
definitely more salacious. Or trying to
be. Even with the return of Brenda. And Donna.
And Kelly…who had Dylan’s kid.
But we never see Dylan. And poor
Jackie is so far off the wagon, the wagon isn’t even in the picture. And then she died. Boom goes the dynamite!
And while I could write mountains about this show, I'll spare you. But I do have to comment on the shame of Brenda Walsh returning from Broadway so she could direct West Bev’s
production of “Spring Awakening”. Sure Shannen Doherty was a ploy to get idiots like me to tune in. (Done. And done.) But I’m sorry...I call bullshit on the fact that this gigantic high school only
had 15 kids who want to be in the school musical. I went to school with ~350 people and I’d
venture to guess 150 were involved in every school play. Just saying….who puts on "Spring Awakening"? Great show. Saw it on Broadway. I digress.
But back to W. Bev...a school that I wouldn’t have been cool enough
to go to (or else I would have been the stereotypical nerd in the newspaper
room…the Andrea pining for her Brandon…sorry…that’s my stuff)….but in the world
of Naomi and Silver and Dixon (aka DJ David Silver Version 2.0) and Adriana and Liam
and Annie and that guy who was the stud in season one but then they let that
poor actor go and I have no memory of his real name or TV name and the hippy
cool surfer girl (aka Betty/Sarah in the original, though she was an alkie who made out with Dylan) and Teddy
who was supposed to be “the man”…a far better looking Steve Sanders with the
lamest name who eventually comes out (at last a good storyline).
I know there were more people, but I can’t even remember who
they were. What I remember is what
counts and that’s these timeless memories:
- Adriana, who goes from drug-addicted teen mom to
mega-star teen singer in a blink. She
pairs up with some hot male singer (I think he was supposed to be popular like the Jo-Bros, but actually a
grown man). Then Adriana has writer’s
block and doubts here talent. There’s a
car accident or something and the guy dies.
And Adriana steals his lyric book from the accident scene and eventually releases the music as
her own. She gets found out (obvi), but what a
fun short ride it was while it lasted.
Sidebar - she gives birth to a healthy baby and then gives it away. But it also goes without saying she regrets that
for a bit. 90210. The show with a conscience.
- But never fear….Silver (aka Kelly's little sister Erin Silver. But she's a legit badass so she goes by "Silver")...anyway, she later dates a guy with an
adopted kid…and guess what???…it’s Adriana’s baby.
Not sure how that ended because I dropped out again at that point, but
pretty sure the guy moved to the East Coast. And when
that happens it’s like he fell into the Bermuda triangle. Apparently these people can't be bothered dating across a few time zones. Snobs.
- Silver is bipolar and when she dates Adriana’s
ex, Ade switches up Silver's meds that makes her go insanely crazy. Because all girls are so mean that they
actually screw with their friend’s meds to the point it might kill them. Love you.
Mean it.
- Kelly, never one to break her Season 1/original
90210 ways, has an affair with Annie
and Dixon’s dad, who is also the principal.
The marriage breaks up and the parents get written off the show. But not before an episode where they mistakenly eat pot brownies. Oh those crazy mid-western folks and their accidental drug intake! Kelly also dates the young English
teacher which I’m pretty sure was also scandalous. And then he dates Naomi’s
sister. But she was so materialistic, she couldn’t date the poor English
teacher and she couldn’t maintain a storyline, so they have her follow some
rich European dude to somewhere in Europe. Bon voyage another-rich-girl-whose-name-I-don't-remember!
- Annie becomes a prostitute of the Heidi Fleiss
girls variety. I think it was to pay for
Dixon’s rehab (pills? coke? booze? I don't remember) or something that was supposed to justify her slutty
decision. Not sure if this was better or
worse than having her kill the guy in season 1.
- By the way, Annie also dates the
grandson of the guy she killed, but she doesn't know he's the grandson. She just thinks he's a boy who is hopelessly in love with her. But he
knew she killed him, obvi. And then goes
on to blackmail her and I think he may have tossed her down the stairs or
something Ray Pruitt-style. Nothing says "genius" like yet another recycled storyline. Might as well burn someone in a fire while we're at it.
- Lucinda Williams manages to reincarnate herself
as a sleazy agent, trying to represent Liam.
But she’s not Lucinda. She’s just the same actress, playing a different full blown
cougar, trying to shag a college boy.
Mazel! Now the producers are just giving us the big fat 'wink wink nod nod'. If Deshawn Hardell shows up I'm really going to be annoyed. Good thing John Sears was too busy being old and murdery over on One Tree Hill.
- Silver’s doctor calls her on the phone to tell
her she has cancer. I’m fairly certain
that never happens.
- Liam’s dad was Bo Duke. He also made Liam live in the garage and I think he was building a boat. Pacey? Is that you? Joey Potter here!
- Queen Bee Naomi falls in love with epic high
school nerd. He turns her down. She
tries harder. Eventually they get
married (yeah, right). And then
divorced. (That’s the ticket.)
- And for the piece de resistance, Navid’s father is a porn director and apparently
has under-aged girls in his movies. But he swears he "didn’t know”. Sure he didn’t. Just like no one really knew how old Tracy
Lords was. Navid’s father is then on the
run or leaves the country or something so he doesn’t have to go to jail. And there's some mob/mafia storyline where Navid tries to save his families name (or money?) and works with the FBI to entrap the scoundrels. Ah, family values.
And if all of that doesn’t hurt enough, the finale has the
group rallying around after the amphitheater where Adriana was performing
collapses. Her and Navid (which still just sounds like the fancy man’s David)
are stuck inside….the “gang” magically pulls together a fundraiser within hours
and the Goo Goo Dolls are playing at it.
What? Huh? How?
WHAT???? And for some reason, the
trapped people talk on their cell phones and live-stream the concert and never
seem to run out of juice. Uh, a girl can only suspend so much disbelief.
Thank God this show is over because so am I! Though glad to
see Quentin came back from his literal death on One Tree Hill though not sure why he would want to date Naomi. And his green suit was really horrible. But I always liked
Q.
As for the rest of the show, it was all pretty much happily ever after. Except for Silver and her cancer. But she's fighting it, man! So good for her.
As for the rest of 90210, I'm sorry, but I have to say it. Worst.
Finale. Ever.
So now we can all wash our hands clean of this debacle...pray to God it doesn't show up on the Soap Network, where only good shows get to live on for eternity. And poof! I just got an hour of my life back. Can't wait to see how I decide to waste this precious little chunk of time.
