World Ruling Resolutions

I’m not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions.  I don’t believe in flipping the page on a calendar and suddenly getting the ‘okay’ to change a whole bunch of crap about myself and my life.  I mean, can you think of anything more intimidating than a laundry list of all the things you want to do different, better, for the first time (or the last time)?  Yikes!  Talk about a pressure cooker.

I can think of no better way to set myself up to fail than to stare at a list of insurmountable things to do.  Nope.  Not for me.  I mean any day that ends in a “y” is a good enough day to effect change, right?

So if you ask me (which I know you didn’t but I’m going to tell you anyway), we should be resolving and evolving every day. It doesn’t have to all be epic stuff.  It’s whatever you want it to be.  So whether it’s to hit the gym or take out the trash.  To get up five minutes earlier or to not wait until the last minute to make the hair appointment.  To buy less.  To buy more.  Smile at strangers.  Stand up for yourself.  Be happy.  Be less snarky. 

Whatever it is, it’s your own personal stuff.  And you can start over, start new, start fresh on any day you want.  It’s up to you and it’s your personal business.  Same as mine.  Which I’ll keep to me, myself and I.

But of course with me being me I couldn’t help but fantasize about all the things I would resolve to change in the universe if in the event I, well, ruled the world.  So here goes.  If I had the almighty power, I would wave my magic wand and a whole new world would start in 2014 and look a little something like this:

• Vanderpump Rules would film year round and air year round.  The drama would never end.  I don’t think I’ve been this obsessed pleasantly surprised about a reality TV show since LC and Kristin Cavallari walked onto my TV screen.  Keep Jax and Stassi and the Toms and the angry drunk with the bad dye job coming. (I know it’s you Katie.  I just like to hate on your hair and eyebrows). 
• I find the fabulous agent who lands me the amazing book deal, which affords me the opportunity to leave this corporate world behind.
• And then I finish another book.  And enjoy my book tour.  Kicking ass and taking names.
• The word “Kardashian” and anything and everything it’s associated with would magically disappear.  No more screen time.  No more overexposure.  No more sucking up minutes on E! News.  No tabloid coverage.  No ridiculous selfies.  No famous for knowing famous people.  None of it.  They would just go back to being a family in Calabasas that none of us ever knew existed.  
• Manicures would never chip.  And they wouldn’t require any gel or acrylics to stay put.
• The only time there would be crappy weather on the weekend would be when I was looking for an excuse to hibernate, hide out and do nothing.  Those things are so much easier to rationalize when it’s crazy raining or snowing or plain old arctic outside.  Here’s looking at you Mother Nature.
• Sirens, car horns, garbage trucks and generally disruptive noise would only be allowed from 9 a.m. – 6 p.m. on days I’m at work.  Other than that I want to enjoy the quiet.  I know I live in the city, but Midtown East would be free of this crap. 
• Miley would put her clothes on.
• McConaughey and B. Cooper would keep taking theirs off.
• I’d freeze time for a bit so I could enjoy the here and now.  I’ve frittered away time and since I can’t get it back, I’d like to stop it.  (Though if I could go back a few years, knowing then what I know now, that could be cool.  But this is all about looking forward not back.  So freeze time it is.)
• Manhattan real estate would be more affordable.  And I’d get myself an upgrade.  With a much better closet.  And doors that aren’t hanging by a string.  And a washer/dryer in the apartment.
• Johnny Damon would be playing baseball again.
• Crazy people would steer clear of me.  Not the good crazy people.  Just the ones who are crazy as all get out.  The stalkers and clingers.  The single white females.  The ones with the inexplicable tempers.  The ones who never own their mistakes.  Or who fabricate situations out of thin air to try to explain why they suck.  You know who I’m talking about….the ones who put the cray-cray in crazy.  People who like to get crazy – fun nights out, laughing until it hurts, twisted and dirty senses of humor, who knock off a bottle of wine and don’t hesitate to order another – you can all happily stay.  You make my life better.  Good crazy = totally cool.  Bad crazy = don’t go away mad…just go away.
• I’d also like the compulsive liars to leave me be.
• And the toxic folks.  You can keep on walking.  In fact I might send you all to an island together.  Or maybe to Britney’s Vegas show.  For life.  You’re toxic.  I’m slipping under.
• Weekly massages at Bliss would be required.
• As would monthly trips to Paris.  And I would fall asleep as soon as I sat down on the plane and wake up just as we landed, looking and feeling amazing.  Always in first class.  Because I deserve it.
• Book deals would not be handed out to people just because they are on TV.  What could Snookie and Brandi Glanville really have to say that’s worth the money they are making?  Maybe I’m jealous (I’d magically whisk that away btw).  But seeing people like this get even richer doing my dream does make me a little crazy.
• Travelling for fun would be a rule not an exception.
• Duran Duran would reunite. With Andy Taylor this time.  And I’d have front row seats.
• Sophia Bush would be my biffle.  As in BFFL.  As in best friend for life.  Since she’s already coming back to TV in January that magic was already spun.  So BFFL it is.
• Humidity would not affect my hair.
• The treadmill under the ceiling fan would always be available.
• My singing voice wouldn’t make people cry.  In pain.  And this would be my theme song:

So tell me…what would you resolve to change if you could?