Pumping Vander

I’m slowly recovering from my NaNo writing hangover.   The good thing is my mind is spinning with ideas.  The bad thing is I definitely needed to give myself more than 24 hours to recover because my brain is also mush.  And I'm having a hard time typing.  Like I have paws for hands.  Or maybe the Advil PM is kicking in and I won't remember any of this in the morning.  Either way, this combo of uselessness  means it’s the perfect time to catch up on the DVR and I have never be happier about Bravo’s existence.

At this stage of the game I could take or leave Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Though let's be honest…I can't quit them, man.  

If I could be so bold as to call them storylines, would have to say Kyle’s is same old/same old (hot hubby, kids, squabbling with someone), Kim is a little dry for me (pun intended) and she’s got a really scary dog (I like her better on Watch What Happens), Yolanda just irks me with her juice cleanses and her overall ‘tude and Brandi…well….I’ve got nothing.  And she’s got no class.  But she did write a book and got a new big house which really sends my jealous rage into overdrive.  Another faux-leb with a book deal?!  Dammit.  And what is Lisa thinking hanging with her?  Oh, wait, she learned that Brandi is bad news.  The episode just hasn’t aired yet.

And then there’s the new girls. Who of course are similar looking but there's no chance we'll mix these two ladies up. 

We’ve got Joyce.  Oops…sorry…dozed off just typing her name.  And I also have tha bad name-association because I grew up with a girl and her German Shepard's name was Joyce so there's that.  Sorry BJ Joyce.  I just don't think I could like you even if I wanted to.

And then there's Carlton.  She’s apparently there to shake things up.  She’s the f-bombing mom, who’s also a Wicca and has a house that looks like a church and is a’ok with Brandi dropping the c-word (and I don’t mean ‘candy’) and apparently they made out.  (Who?!  What?!).  Yet oddly when snoozy Von Joyce (she won a beauty pageant at some stage) talked about her hubby's package, Carlton was offended over how classless Joyce was.  Huh?  You can laugh about see you next Tuesday all the live long day, but Joyce talking about how hot she thinks her hubby is, is inappropriate?  Oh and she gives her cat acupuncture.  Good Lord.  I can’t deal with her.

So I pretty much blitz through RHOBH to get the good stuff.  And I’m gonna be honest.  My Vander is so pumping right now!  To the point that I can’t even contain myself.  So why wait? 

It’s been a year in filming time since the last season ended.  And isn’t it great to see everyone is still working at SUR, hating on each other and getting drunk and having fights.  Wasn’t it so fun to be in our twenties?   

So here goes.  And bee-tee-dubs not even hate-watching Vanderpump Rules anymore.   All love.

• Jax is back at SUR.  Stassi is still being the biggest B in town to him.  And he keeps coming back for more.   Grow a pair dude.  Last we saw you, you admitted your name and pretty much your whole life was a lie.  And yet this people take you back.  And despite all that Jax has managed to outdo himself by being even more preposterous than before.  While chilling at the tat parlor to get his tribal tat covered with some fish/flower/something giant (because Princess Stassi would never date a guy with tribal tat), he got a “Stassi” tattoo.  Because that will help win her back.  Bad enough to get a current gf’s name tattooed on your body (i.e. kiss of death).  But an already ex’s name?  #youreatotaldbag
• It was tough last year that there were two boyfriends named Tom with little to distinguish them in my mind.  Tougher still?  They are both back.  Lucky for us viewers rockstar Tom (the one with all the hair mousse and flat iron) is getting lots of screen time since he cheated on Kristen and that’s all anyone can talk about when his name comes up.  I’m not defending his cheating, but man this guy is taking a beating.
• Which brings me to the fact that Tom and Kristin are still together in some weird roommate relationship sitch.  I realize we see about 10% of what gets filmed but I’m thinking if I spent all of my time crying and fighting with someone who cheated on me with a stranger in Vegas, then I’d probably want out.  (Or at least my no longer 20something self would.)  
• Any time Kristin’s not fighting with Tom she’s fighting with her friends about him because it’s ALL THESE GIRLS TALK ABOUT.  #getalife  Man up, someone (anyone!), and end the torture of this fauxlationship.  Kristin seems to live to torture Tom.  I get it…he cheated on you and it sucked.  Royally.  But either forgive him and move forward. Or don’t and move out.  But don’t complain about the situation you’re in when you have total control over your choice to stay or go.  End scene.
• The fact that Katie (aka the other girl from Season 1) has now dyed her hair an offending shade of orange which eventually becomes a horrid blonde has served the wonderful purpose of making me realize 1) she isn’t Kristin and 2) she exists.  She has
  
  also managed to draw crazy attention to her giant dark eyebrows.  I’m not an advocate of plucking them into oblivion, but they kind of look like they were drawn on with a jumbo black magic marker. Katie – a word of advice from a been-there-done-that-brunette-who-went-blonde.  Not a good look.  Oh, and your burlesque dancing….also not a good look.
• Scheana got a SUR bestie so maybe she has a small chance of not getting totally slaughtered at work every day.  This chick Arianna from Lisa’s other restaurant is there to bartend and hang out with her other bestie Tom…you know Kristin’s cheater bf.  Just a matter of time before that whole triangle thing implodes.  Bring it.
• Stassi’s mom.  There is something about a middle-aged woman trying to fit in with her daughter and her friends by downing tequila shots and wanting to hunker down for girl talk that just reeks of pathetic and painful.  Nothing screams desperate like trying to get your fifteen minutes of fame off your crazy train daughter. It actually physically hurts.  You might want to give Dina Lohan a call now and save yourself a lot of time.
• Scheana had an apparently debilitating oral surgery.  And sprains her ankle.  And then shows up in the biggest eyeglasses I’ve seen since Urkle with some phantom eye injury, which in a later episode makes her fear getting her make-up done for a SUR party.  Huh?  How?  Someone please keep this nonsense coming. 
• When Katie and Scheana’s boyfriends get into fisticuffs at Scheana and Pandora’s birthday party I actually started to laugh.  And they were fighting about the fact that the girls were fighting.  So ridic.  Surprisingly Jax didn’t pull his shirt off to be a part of the fight (apparently so last season).  Still brilliant TV. 
• More brilliant?  Pandora and her adorbs hubby (hello, Jason!) left the party
  
  early since it was so juvenile and petty and bitchy.  She’s total mini-Lisa.  I hope she gets more screen time this year. I’d also like to be her friend and get to write for her online magazine.  Why don’t my friends have online magazines?  Grrrr.  Argh.
• There’s also another new face from SUR that entered the scene.  I don’t know her name, but it isn’t really important.  She’s not a lead player. She’s just there to fill the fourth seat with Stassi, Kristin and not-Kristin-I’m-Katie,  get drunk and talk some smack.  Welcome to the jungle.  I’m sure she will either be skewered by Stassi or Scheana at some point this season.  Every mean girl group needs the sacrificial lamb.
• Uh…Stassi and Kristen do a wardrobe styling for their passport photo.  OMFG.  The last time Kristen styled herself this much was for her mugshot.  Not even kidding.  She says it the way a normal person might mention they have to go get their laundry from the dryer.  It was almost as causal as Jax telling the dudes he might have breast cancer.  Yes.  That is in all seriousness too.  Test results to come next week…..

This season has seriously been so entertaining I almost stopped longing for the crazy train recovering meth addict who Jax rebounded with post-Stassi.  Wouldn’t she make for a great cameo?

Fingers are crossed for next week.  

And oh…PS- they are still filming the show so you know there’s lots of juicy goodness to come.  Thank you, Andy Cohen.  This spinoff is true genius.  As are you.