I Blame Bliss

So the last time I wrote a post that included me going on and on about the new 90210  was after I got home from a massage at Bliss.  I was relaxed into a state of enjoying the craptastic wonderfulness of the show.  It was liking watching some bizarro movie like Natural Born Killers that only makes sense if you are totally out of your mind.  90210 on a Bliss massage makes sense. I take zero responsibility for my actions post-massage forward.  

Which is why, when I came home tonight, in a kind of a daze, and I turned on the TV and there it was - Annie and Dixon and Adriana and Naomi and the gang, well I was powerless to do anything other than watch.  

Marky Liam.  In case you forgot.

It’s New Year’s Eve in Bev Hills and even though I missed the first 25 minutes of the episode it didn’t take me long to catch up.  Marky Liam, who was hit by a car in the winter cliffhanger is alive and well.  Phew!  That was a close one!  Like when Dylan got knocked out by a wave and had to live with the Walsh’s.  No one does “will the hero die in this one?” like the 90210 franchise. 

Marky Liam is of course a-okay except for a band-aid on his face.  I sustain more injuries working a curling iron than a dude in a motorcycle accident, but that’s my issue.  And wouldn’t you know...the chick who hit Marky Liam is now claiming she found him left for dead after a hit-and-run.  That was a little obvi.  Of course this random beautiful girl will latch onto the model she just plowed down.  No one will ever figure out she hit him.  Especially not the mechanic who scrapes her maroon paint off his motorcycle.  The fact that she’s a total Grifter Chick was also an obvi plot turn. Luckily, Marky Liam is a moron but his ex has already figured out that Grifter Chick is the one who hit him (thanks to some help from the mechanic!)  Don't get too settled in Grifter.  Your days are as numbered as Val's friend Ginger when she went all Indecent Proposal on Val and David.  The good news is that you too will of course get to cause some drama just to keep things interested so I'm sure you have a few more eps to look forward too.  

Annie Get Yourself a Stylist!

As for Marky Liam’s ex, Annie, well, she’s trying to start fresh and walk away from her super soulmate.  He’s kind of the Dylan to her Brenda.  But for now, Annie is just praying she won’t get sent back back to DeGrassi and be forced to resume her place at the helm of Friendship Club.  (aka Virgin Club.)  Oh, Darcy (which is what they call you up in Canada, ay?)...where you really should go is to Rachel Zoe’s house - stat - for some styling help.  I’m just saying.  You’re young in Hollywood.  There’s a lot of competition out there.  And you could do better.  

Back to your current sitch, I realize totally destroying your ex’s new relationship with the Grifter Chick is a priority.  Plus since you accidentally took GC’s purse instead of your own on New Year’s Eve which meant when you went to the airport so you could pursue your new life at Carnegie Melon but you couldn’t get on the plane because you couldn’t produce any photo ID because “O-M-G this isn’t my wallet.  Or my purse!” well you are forced to stay in 90210 at least until the end of the season.  Foiled again! (I’m shaking my fist in a rage right there with you Annie Darcy!)  

And I HAVE TO call bullshit on the whole purse thing...how is it that you manage to leave a party, go home, sleep, pack for your life changing move, and make it all the way to the airport check-in counter without once opening your purse and realizing it’s not actually yours?  Don’t you have to get your keys out?  Use your cell phone?  Put on some lip balm?  Lend someone a tampon?  Need a few bucks to buy a Diet Coke or a Starbucks?  Use a tissue to wipe up your tears as you plan to leave 90210?  No?  Then what the hell do you carry a purse for?  It wasn’t even a particularly stylish one. I’m a purse girl. I’m judging.  

And the whole purse switch-a-roo....haven’t seen that done well since One Tree Hill when all the girls at Haley and Nathan’s second wedding had the same purse and one of them left a positive pregnancy test in hers.  Crap!  I do that all the time too.  Peed upon stick with total life changing information displayed with a little + sign?  Meh, I’ll just shove it in my purse and then leave said purse laying around at a crowded wedding.  Nothing could possibly go wrong with that line of thinking.

Love Brooke Davis and this cheestastic collage. 

But back to 90210...

Here’s where is gets embarrassing.  No joke.  I wasn’t really embarrassed until this point.  But the whole “moving forward” theme of the episode gave me pause.  About moving on. Moving forward with your life.  Doing what’s right for you.  Yes! Yes!  YES!  I hear you Naomi.  And Ivy.  You go girls!  I can move forward too!  Be a strong woman.  Putting myself first.   Getting over my husband, who I married after a mere few months because he had terminal cancer but then got better and decided to go really live his life without out me.  Oh, wait.   That wasn’t me.  And I missed a few episodes in there so I’m not sure how Raj was cured and why he dumped Ivy. I just know he's not on the show anymore.  Luckily Ivy has already fallen in love with a new man.  And guess what? He loves her too. Ah.  It’s like reality TV sometimes.  

And last, but certainly not least, Silver is still dating the married guy with the kid.  She finally has a chance to meet his daughter who he reveals was adopted because his wife couldn’t have children.  (Guess that wasn’t her pregnancy test Lucas found back in Tree Hill.)  Thank god! married man sighs, that some stupid high school girl got knocked up and had a drug problem and had to give her baby up for adoption.  Um....what was that plot twisting brilliance?  Silver is dating a man who adopted Adriana’s baby?  And Adriana used to be Silver’s bestie until Adriana secretly replaced her bipolar meds with generic white pills so she would blow her interview at NYU as payback for Silver sleeping with Adriana’s boyfriend, Navid?  Silver and Navid kind of have the Kelly and Dylan soulmate thing going.  I mean it all seems justified to me.  But, Navid?  It seems like some weird play on David.  And David + Silver = David Silver.  I call way more than coincidence.   

But more importantly than that....bravo, writers of 90210.  You’ve won me back.  

And Bliss...you never had a chance of losing me.  You know I heart you the most!  Even if massages do make me babble on about things that should shame me more than they do. I’m going to take this whole thing as the universe’s one-two punch that my body and my mind were in dire need a break tonight.  Done and done.

And The Great Mystery?  I'm at 88,066 words in case anyone is asking.  I'm hitting a major rough spot and trying to push through the muck.  I keep reminding myself it's okay to write crap.  Because that's still better than writing nothing at all.   And on that note, some music for the fade out: