It's Not Difficult, But It's Hard

The Old Apartment
(cue BareNaked Ladies)

I’m a self-professed couch potato.  I won’t even pretend I’m not.  I can eat, sleep, read, watch endless TV and write all from the comfort of my I-die-for-my-red-L-shaped-sectional.  It’s from my former life in Boston where I had an actual one-bedroom apartment, which I do desperately miss some days (exposed bricks and soaring ceilings on Beacon Street….sigh).  But when I moved to NYC and it was time to buy, my pool of options was studios, and amongst my Top 5 must-haves: I wouldn’t even give a second thought to a place where my couch wouldn’t fit. 

So all these years later and the couch is here and so am I.  But it’s not that I’m a total sloth.  I will walk anywhere, any day, over taking subways or taxis, assuming time, weather and distance (or lack thereof) is on my side.  I walked home from my old job across town and love just spending my weekend walking the park or the neighborhoods or whatever.  On top of that I genuinely enjoy my yoga DVDs.  And I go to the gym. For my health.  For my psyche.  For my vanity. Do I love physically running every time?  Not so much. I don’t consider myself a “runner”.  I was a kid with asthma. (No inhaler jokes, please.)  I feel like a bit of a fraud when I go to a running store for new tees or a sports bra.  I’m not training for a marathon. I’m just a girl, who runs on a treadmill some days, because that’s what works for me.

But what I do love about the gym is that it’s total me time.  Music on.  World shut out.  I’m not dodging cars and buses and bike messengers on the street.  I’m in the semi-climate-controlled gym with a bunch of people who, as far as I can tell, are also mostly really interested in having their alone time.  (Minus the co-dependent gym couple who do synchronized workouts and make me want to scream CUT THE CORD!)  And for me, being at the gym runs a close second to being in the shower when it comes to the time I conjure up ideas, write stories in my head or work out my writing roadblocks.  

So while I was running in place I got to thinking about the many chats I’ve had with friends over the years, lamenting about our weight.  Wanting thinner thighs.  Tighter butts.  Whatever.  And we’re smart women and we know that losing weight and getting healthy is basically exercise + eating healthier (and maybe eating a bit less) = weight loss.  That formula isn’t so difficult.  But it’s hard. 

It’s hard to drag your ass to the gym sometimes. Work, sleep, life, family all seem to get in the way.  And even when you do have a successful workout, it can be hard to get your ass back to the gym the next time.  And the time after that.  It can be hard to resist the cookies or the pizza or the chocolate mousse.  It’s not so much difficult.  You just don’t order it.  Don’t buy it.  Don’t give in.  See, not so difficult. But on some days it’s so damn hard.

And in the grand tradition of one thing leading to another, I got to thinking about all those other things that aren’t necessarily difficult – we often know what the right decisions are, what we want, what we need.  But sometimes actually doing those things, making the not-so-difficult choices is hard.

Untangling yourself from the bad relationship.  You know it’s not working.  Or that you’re not into it anymore.  Or that you deserve more.  Or that you’re making excuses for someone else’s behavior.  Or, ugh! maybe ever for you own.  Whatever it is, you know it’s time to walk away and move on.  That even though there you were in love and there was a lot of good, these days it doesn’t outweigh the bad.  Not difficult to know what to do.  But sometimes it’s hard to get up and go. 

Ditto on the toxic friendship.  Or the friend you’ve just grown away from. It’s sad – sometimes downright heartbreaking when a person who was once so critical in your life is now someone you know so little about.  Or they are no longer that first person you want to call when something great or something horrible happens.  Or maybe it’s become the one-way friendship where you are always making the effort.  Or maybe you’re the friend who stopped returning the calls and emails because you don’t have anything to say.  You know you should just end the friendship, but it’s not that easy.  And it can be even more devastating that a romantic break-up.  But sometimes you just have to admit it’s over and close the door on that chapter. 

Reading that pile of magazines.  Now in all fairness I *may* have a slight giant problem when it comes to buying magazines.  I’m smart enough to subscribe to them so they are way cheaper (rationalization #1) and I’m supporting the struggling print industry (rationalization #2) and it’s one of the last vices I have left (rationalization #3).  They’re inspirations and I love looking at the fashion and I won’t lie, totally love the gossipy crap and will full on go out and buy a specific hair product because In Style told me that’s what Eva Mendes uses and who doesn’t want hair like Eva Mendes?  But I just can’t seem to keep up with this raging addiction.  Too many magazines, so little time….

Cleaning out my closet.  When I’m not being a sloth, or a poseur runner, I might be off doing some pack-ratting and hoarding.  I love clothes.  I love to shop.  That addiction is a blog post all in and of itself, but I also know that I have too much and I need to purge. I need to get rid of the things that are past their expiration date, that are not worth fixing and that may still fit and be in good condition but were bad purchases/are no longer my style/I never ever wear/I have duplicates of it.  Multiples of black pants are one thing, but coming home with a fabulous new cozy grey cashmere boyfriend sweater only to realize I already have a fabulous cozy grey cashmere boyfriend sweater from last fall that I totally forgot existed is not a good thing.  (I’m sure a shrink could have a field day with my shopping habits.)  I know, I know, I KNOW that I need to get rid of stuff. I even know what pieces I should start with, but it’s so hard for me to let go of things.  Partially because I have regrets of past giveaways (the Luckys, the leopard print coat, so many sweaters…) and partially because I know how much money I spent on these clothes and to give them away kind of just hurts.

   

And while typing this I had a full-on flashback that I’d read some version of this somewhere before.  A bazillion years ago (or rather in the 90s) Glamour magazine used to publish those fun lists at the end of the magazine.  I feel like I’ve already waxed sentimental on them (please, please, please bring them back).  But as everyone who read my Richard Grieco post knows, I have my archive binders upon binders filled with magazine tear-outs, including all of these wonderful lists.  Rachel Zoe has archives that include Chanel and Oscar and YSL.  Mine have pages from Glamour, Sassy and Mademoiselle to name just a few.  I’m good with that.  (I’m lying.  I’d like a little Chanel in my archives too!)

But for now, the best I can do (and I think it’s pretty damn good) is give you this:

Originally from Glamour magazine circa 1995 - this page is from my archives.

   

So yes, I agree, not everything is hard.  Sometimes the difficult things can be not-so-difficult.  And I wouldn’t be me without giving some of the easy things a little airtime.  What can I say?  I’m a Libra.  I need balance.  So I give you some things that are flat out easy: 

• Procrastinating.
• Losing all track of time while surfing the internet.
• Accumulating more bottles of nail polish than a local salon.  (However maintaining a chip-free manicure is definitely harder than it looks.)
• Turning off the computer and picking up a book.
• Cleaning the bathroom.
• Forgiving someone.  It may take time, but it's necessary and for me, has become easier in some cases.  Holding onto grudges and ugly feelings will only make you grudgy and ugly.  Rid yourself of the burden and forgive the person.  Doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did or welcome them back into your world.  Just don’t carry it around and let it weigh you down.
• Calling mom back and then having very long chats.
• Spending money on things I don't need (see the cozy grey cashmere boyfriend sweater from above).
• Being more stubborn than the other person.
• Getting sucked into a TV show marathon.  Yesterday I had Psych on as the backdrop to my day.  In and out of naps and while I was cleaning.  I started today with The Rachel Zoe Project.  Will watch these eps a hundred times over.  There was also a Dawson’s Creek Netflix DVD in there and in addition to giving me endless entertainment it also gave me wisdom, like this gem: “Life is chances that you never get back.” 
• Cutting my hair.
• Spending at least $25 every time I walk into a Duane Reade or a CVS.  
• Sunday morning.  (Sunday night.  Now that's hard.)
• And finally, a shout out to other people…saying “please”, “thank you”, and perhaps a “good morning” to your neighbors when you’re riding the elevator together...not so hard.  Just saying….

Also easy?  Coming up with a song to end a post.  It has nothing to do with anything except I saw it on VH1 Classic while I was getting ready for work on Friday morning and has been in my head ever since.  Epic.