Read What Happens - When Peeps and Foo and Jesus Collide

I’m catching up on my Real Housewives and Watch What Happens (it’s about all I can manage on a Monday night) and decided to take a cue from Andy Cohen. (Love him.  I think we could be fast and fun friends.)  His after-show completely cracks me up and who am I kidding? I totally want to be a guest so I can have drinks with Andy and play games and tell the whole world what *I* think of the Housewives.

So to keep myself amused tonight I’m going to pretend I’m on Watch What Happens and play the role of both Andy Cohen and myself.  Take a sip from your cocktail (which is required for being a guest on this show) and then maybe this will seem a little less inane.

For starters, my thoughts on the most recent RHONYC episode:

1. The Countess telling Kelly to “swallow” and not “spit” was classic (even if she was talking about wine).
2. Alex’s modeling sequence made me cringe.  She wasn’t channeling Swan Lake or a ballerina or anything remotely graceful.  She’s still just trying to be something she’s not.
3. At the wine tasting party when Cindy meets the 23-year-old and laments that she’s been out of the dating scene for eight months “and this is what I’m left with”.  LOL!  Right there with you Cindy.
4. I didn’t miss Jill even a smidge.
5. Simon's single, which they previewed on Watch What Happens, belongs in the discard bin along with Danielle Staub's foray into the music studio. Please stop singing people!  You're not good.

I'm ashamed to admit I haven't seen last night's Orange County yet, so instead I give you some of the many things I’m obsessed with right now:

First up, I downloaded Foo Fighters’ new album Wasting Light on release day, and I just can’t get enough of it.  There’s musical genius all over it, but from the second I heard the song Walk I was obsessed. 

It’s already joined the ranks of “Home”, “Times Like These”, “February Stars” and “Everlong” as a song that absolutely brings me to my knees.  It’s the kind of song that inspires me to write and makes me wish I had as good of a way with words as Dave Grohl does.  Kudos to the whole band (I’m not sure who writes what but thank you for writing!  And singing!  And being rock Gods!)

I’ve been in full-on spring cleaning mode and after a really long, difficult year am finally ready to press the restart button on my life.  My mom actually called it a “renewal” which made me feel very Ramona Singer, which in the case of this post of apropos.  But whatever you call it, I’m learning to walk again.  The lyrics are just screaming in my ears.

I’m also fairly obsessed with “Bridge Burning” if for no other reason than it contains the line “oh won’t you let me twist your fate”.  Brilliant!

My second obsession needs little introduction:

Hello, luvah!

As far as I’m concerned there are two types of people in the world:

1. Those who know that Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip ice-cream  (aka MCCIC) is the end all/be all. 
2. Everyone else.

I’ve tried every mint chip on the market and nothing even holds a candle to Breyer’s.  I love, Love, LOVE it!   This was a staple of my childhood and somewhere along the way we fell out of touch.  I cheated on my Breyer’s and had affairs with Ben & Jerry’s and JP Licks.  And while we had some good times together, there is nothing quite like your first love. 

But when I was finally ready to be reunited (and I knew it would feel so good), MCCIC was no where to be found.  I checked every grocery store…every Duane Reade…every bodega.  But just like OPI’s Massachusetts Mulberry (yet another obsession) I feared my ice-cream was discontinued. 

But then fate stepped in.  I made a random stop at D’Agostinos (I’m a Food Emporium girl, but needed to pick up some milk) and as I browsed the frozen food aisle, I saw it.  Like a beacon in the night.  This was about a month ago when, dare I say, my bad year started to come to a close.  Yes I’m that superstitious and I considered my finding the Breyer’s MCCIC as exciting as Columbus discovering America.  (I’m a bit soft on that holiday since it’s my birthday.  Yes, I’m starting to sound really crazy right now, so keep drinking that cocktail.  Then I may just be funny.  Or weird.  Both cool with me.)

My third obsession is the new Duane Reade that opened up across the street.  They transformed it from shabby (not even a little bit chic) to ahh-may-zing, bright lights/I will spend big money.  They sell everything from Klorane Dry shampoo to Drano (don’t tell my building super I used it tonight).  OPI nail polish to orange juice.  Kashi Go Lean to Kleenex.  Band-aids to body lotion.  The food is cheaper than in the supermarket and while I still skeeve the “fresh” fruit (even I have limits) I can browse a Duane Reade like I can browse a Barnes & Noble.  So many aisles.  So little time.  Maybe it’s the years I spent as working at CVS but what can I say?  Obsessed.  

Number four is this KIA commercial.  It's sooooo last season but it also plays non-stop during Yankee games.  It reminds me of a lost youth moment where as a preppy girl from Westchester I somehow found a way to sing "you can get with this, or you can get with that" with little-to-no shame.  But come on.  Hampsters in toasters.  And in washing machines.  It cracks me up every goddamn time.  

Doo-dah-dippity.

And because I can’t even pretend to not be obsessed with more music, I finally found the download of Adele’s cover of "Natural Woman".  Just when I think she can't get any better, it does.  

And now for my Woohoo of the day. 

One of my friends was trying to get his son, Matthew, to go to bed Saturday night. He explained that the Easter Bunny couldn’t come unless Matthew was asleep to which Matthew proudly told his dad what he learned in school about Easter – that Jesus rose from the dead and came home and put on his bunny suit to deliver candy.  Not sure what this says about the Catholic School system in New York, but my woohoo goes to Matthew.  Matthew later confessed he made up the “bunny costume” part of the story but I rather like the idea of Jesus dressing up as a giant bunny.  (Sorry, mom!  But it’s all in good fun.)  I was a storytelling imaginative kid so fully appreciate where Matthew is coming from.  And again...Jesus in a bunny suit.  LOL!

And now for today’s biggest loser. 

To keep in the Easter theme, I popped in Duane Reade on the way home (shocker!) and as expected all of the Easter candy was marked as 50% off.  It made me a little sad for those Peeps who didn’t have a home, but I have no use for the sugar/marshmallow combo (no matter how cute they are) so I walked on by.  However the woman in front of me in line was apparently stocking up for next year (or a really bad binge) and had a basket full of Peeps, Cadbury eggs, and lots of pastel-colored wrapped things (think Reese's cups, Hersey Kisses and the like).  When the cashier rang her up the woman launched into a tirade that the candy was all supposed to be 50% off and everything was ringing up full price.  She was one of those customers that would test even the best cashier’s patience. 

And as Little Miss Bad Binge berated the cashier, another employee retrieved the sign from the Easter candy that read “50% off.  As marked.”  What sugar-coma skank didn’t realize is that those Peeps were ON SALE for $2.99 and those bags of pastel delights were originally $5.99.  Well that shut her up in a heartbeat.  So then she awkwardly stood there (no apologies btw) now with a bag full of candy (all rung up at half off) and had to decide if she was still in need of all that candy or if she was going to cheap out.  She quietly swiped her credit card. I’m not sure if she was on sugar-overload or having a sugar crash, but either way, what a mean peep. Hope she enjoys those not-so-just desserts.

Doo-dah-dippity.